I usually date “cute girls,” you know what I mean?
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you wanna be on me?
Starts lathering arms with honey 
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“Oh you don’t have to worry about me cheating, it’s not like I have options.”
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“It’s totally crazy that I’m the attractive one.”
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“I swear she’s not my cousin!”
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“Don’t wake up my roommates. Mother gets super angry when that happens.”
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“Is your sister single?”
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“I think our country shouldn’t be governed by a two party system.”
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To be honest, I can say whatever I want. My dates don’t mind after I seduce them with a four piece nugget and a free water from the big Mac himself.
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“Hold on, i have a coupon.”
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Lol that’s when you breakout two coupons, hand them five dollars and pay separately. Double the coupons double the savings.
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“Hold on, I have to scan the barcode, gotta make those Olive Garden reward points somehow.”
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I’m cringing at myself because I found this to be unironically relatable.
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i love that movie.
Hey man, those 7-Eleven reward point bro. For real. 
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Using the word “bro” in a sentence.
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it is nice to meet you. do you have girl friends?
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you remind me of my grandmother
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Shine as the sun (does it when she seems to get cold).