Holidays messing me up

I’m currently going through a divorce. Been separated since March. It was not a healthy relationship, not even close. My ex did have 2 children though. I was their stepdad for 4 years. Today was her son’s birthday. It’s the first one since we split up. Now I have to handle the holidays without them too. It’s hitting me weird. I don’t know if it hurts or not. Just feels empty. I do live with family so that will soften the blow. It’s bittersweet, I miss the kids but am healthier mentally without that added stress. Which kinda makes me feel like ■■■■.

Recently, my paranoia has been acting up again. About my phone being bugged. Also, for whatever reason I wish the voice would come back. It was a positive voice. So I’m wondering if I’m just ■■■■■■ up or what. My ex has already moved on and is dating again. I cannot handle dating. Especially since when I am stressed my worst symptom comes out which is homicidal ideation. I mean how do you explain that to a romantic interest. I’m just better with my dog.

I don’t know what I am really asking, I just needed to vent. I’m just scared that these holidays will send me back into the spiral that is psychosis. I know I’m not alone, but it feels like it. I try to keep myself busy with my family and my one friend. But it doesn’t fill this empty spot in me. Anyways, I guess that’s it for now.

Thanks for reading.

I can relate. I was a step parent years ago now but still talk to my ex and keep in touch with the daughter. Times I haven’t talked to my ex but I do these days and it’s not much of an issue but I’m an ocean away.

Time helps. Paranoia doesn’t. It’s hard when our ex’s move on but if you can keep civil and in touch with the kids. You still were a part of their lives but it’s their choice ultimately.

Dating is hard work i’ve found for someone who doesn’t work. It doesn’t really bother me but I get sick of explaining I don’t work for a living. Don’t get me wrong. I’d like too but at the moment it’s not on the agenda…that is the thing. Might not be for you just now but things change.

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I’m glad that you still keep in touch. I am not with the kids but I’m friendly with her. I just get updates on them through Facebook.

I also don’t work and that’s another thing that’s hard to explain. And that I’m busy Monday through friday with support services.

I mainly just don’t want to spiral out. I’m getting into my head again which is a warning sign I have to keep my eye on. Luckily I meet with my case manager tomorrow.

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Yeah. No matter how cool you are with your ex divorces and splits are hard as hell on normal people let alone mentally ill people. Way too stressful and your always reminded of things…still. Keep on your mental health and it’s good you recognize your struggling.

I have moved up and down meds for situations of stress in my life for sure. Years later I’ve come down on meds because I’m doing way better and less stressed…that stress really is a leveller.

Yeah. And we still haven’t finalized our divorce so I’m in limbo at the moment. She keeps putting it off cause we have to use volunteer attorneys that are only there 2 days a week. Idk it’s rough. And im still processing all the stuff I went through. And I still get paranoid that she bugged my phone and knows everything I say and type. Ugh.

I’m just trying to stay busy to keep me outta my head.

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