I have been divorced for more than two years and separated for more than 3 and have recently been thinking about my ex-wife more.
I was the one who initiated the divorce process as I found she was trying to talk/ was talking to guys in another city where her mother lives. At the time it was the last straw for me as I was sleeping on the floor in another room while she had the bed and I was working very hard to keep the family afloat while she was overdrafting the account almost every week.
I wasn’t fully psychotic when I initiated the divorce process, starting with kicking her out, but I became psychotic during the divorce process and was in the hospital 3 times between when I kicked her out and when we divorced.
I gave her a second chance after I was finished being hospitalized for the third time but I also let her know that my mental health took priority at the time. We were talking to each other (as a couple) for a short time and were trying to work out how to move forward together when she suddenly said she had met someone. It hurt me to hear that but I knew I had to take care of myself .She was pregnant not even a month later and that definitely changed things.
I know that I won’t ever get back with her unless she changes and actually cares about me and somehow managed to change her priorities. I know part of her cares about me but I think she has moved on almost entirely. I moved on albeit in a bit of a rough way and part of me keeping us from getting back together is that I didn’t want to weigh her down with my issues.
I miss having my kids and being a family but I don’t miss all the fights and stress. I want her to be happy, which I hope she is now, but I am having a hard time being happy myself
I don’t feel up to dating very much now as I don’t know how to connect and “be myself” - I am not who I was before and I still feel like I will be the one bringing down the other person in a relationship.
I do miss the good times though and I wish things could have turned out different. We had issues before I kicked her out but I stuck it out as long as I could and I was always the one meeting her demands or making more of an effort, it wasn’t healthy. I miss having her around though, at least I miss part of her.
I am pretty certain that I will stay alone though, at least for a while, I just can’t see someone caring about me enough to want to be with me with all of my problems.
I was with her for 9 years, that’s a pretty big chunk of time. I am not stuck on her I just keep having thoughts every now and then and also have had dreams. I wish things were different but I guess I am happy with some of how my life is.