Well, last night I was feeling pretty low. Contemplating suicide. Not any immediate plans, but more like a long term evaluation. That is one of the things my voices say. “Your suicide awaits you” or “You’ll commit suicide.” So eventually I fall asleep into dreams that always lift my spirits, even when they are dark and terrifying, it entertainment. I woke up having forgotten all about the battle I had last night finding motivation to live, and then the voices started again. “Your incest” (I’m not) “You’re a bisexual” (I’m not) “Your a pedophile” (certainly not). If you can’t tell by their content I am extremely frustrated with these voices. They interupt my thoughts and keep me in a very introspective state. They make me wonder about the most unnecessary and immoral things. So I layed their like I always do for a couple more hours. Having them repeat this ■■■■ in my head over and over just like it has been for the last year. It’s so frustrating knowing that they aren’t going to stop, that I’ll never be free. Then something happened. I have been working for the longest time to create a suture between my voices and my feelings. TO become invincible to all that they can say. This morning was the first time I have ever achieved this state of mind/ being. The voices still linger but they are quieter now. I think they might have finally lost their grip. I will continue to meditate and grow stronger. This whole psychotic episode has completely disrupted the core of my being. I used to be a strong thinker, uninterupted and full of curiosity. Now its a struggle everyday to find an appropriate mind. Hopefully as time wears on I’ll get closer to being back to my normal self. i was capable of doing anything back in those days. Schizophrenia really has cleaned me up though I am kind of thankful for that. I used to be a passionate drug user, now I know the risks. Best of luck to all of you out there who are suffering, we are dealing with pure ■■■■■■■ evil.
hi brain ashley sorry you are going through all that, sometimes i get overwhelmed with them and all the stress that goes with it all and have those types of thoughts but when your feeling suicdle its really important to seek help from your GP usually your not thinking correctly and this can be dangerous for you.
your obviousley a really strong person to be dealing with all that, look after yourself tc
I’m glad your starting to gain over them. It’s a lot of work, and it takes a lot of strength. I’m glad it’s starting to happen. Once you find that small calm center… as long as you can get back there, you have something to fight them with. You know you can do it because you’ve done it a few times already.
Little by little, I hope your voices get quieter and quieter.
That’s the best thing you can do… not give up… and keep on fighting.
Thanks dandy, I’m feeling a lot more postive today. The suicidal thinking was really just an escape from that other ■■■■. I don’t have suicidal thoughts very frequently and it is something I keep an eye on. My life is moving in positive directions. Might get on disability. Might start working again. The suicidal thoguhts were not a thing of desperation more just an escape. Thanks for the response.
im glad your feeling more positive. i get them too your not alone there but when your in it it stinks. Getting disability is awesome im on it and it means i can have a low stress existance which helps me a lot. tc of yourself
Glad to hear a struggle and a success…I’m similar in that I’ve cleaned up a bunch…really bugs me though when my conscience poses challenging thoughts.
Yeah, I’m doing my best to keep my head straight but this day in day out ■■■■ makes difficult. I wish if I just stop listening they would go away but they don’t work that way. There is so much I have to regret for getting myself into this situation.
my voices have accused me of everything under the sun, including peadophilia, murder, being the inventor of perpetual motion and free energy…blah blah blah. it’s all ■■■■. mine are just personalities turned against me, responding to triggers. that’s all they are. arseholes though they may be, they are just voices and their ■■■■ means nothing to me anymore. you do get used to it bryan. i’ve been dealing with this for 14 years now and it does get easier as time goes on. especially once you know there is no external source. though i don’t know what’s worse, the fact that bad experiences can make you turn in on yourself or the thought of an external source lol. never mind. stay strong bryan. always here if you need a chat. xxx
Thanks jaynebeal. It is getting easier I just wish there was an off switch
you and me both hunni xxx
It’s important to always keep hope alive. Things can get better, even though it can be so dark that we can’t see the light.
Keep it simple and pick the best…simplicity means the past won’t drop anvils on your head too often and the best means you won’t be asking senseless questions.