I feel so awful…my mom used to say I was the perfect child but now that I am living with them again they see what a mess I am…I may be able to stay organized with school and work but I suck at managing basic life things and taking care of myself. It makes me feel lazy and pathetic. I can tell my dad just thinks I am lazy and spoiled. I want so badly to be able to do all those things, it is so hard for me to function how I do right now. It was better when I lived away from them because they couldn’t see how poorly I lived and couldn’t judge me for it. Now I just feel bad.
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Have them peruse the family board. They will see what low functioning means. Or maybe it’ll just worry them terribly, I dunno.
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Parents rarely realize their comments are harmful.
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I’ve had really bad self esteem lately as well
Being a family member of a schizophrenic is rough and I don’t mean for this to sound judgmental. But you have an illness. Just because it is in your brain doesn’t make it any less than something like Parkinson’s or any other disorder. I’m not saying get mad at them but realize that you are not choosing this and if they try to blame you for something out of your control it is their fault not yours.
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This is what I wrote tonight. I’ll add paragraph breaks so it’s not a wall of text
"I don’t know what to do. I feel so alone, like I’m back to step one in dealing with all of this. The only thing keeping me going is my focus on work and school, those are the only things protecting me from my own brain. I’m so sleepy during the day, I’m so sleepy I can barely function. My head is in a fog all day. Even if I take a nap, an hour later I am sleepy again. Then at night time the fog lifts and I can think clearly again. I try so hard to go to bed early but all the sleepiness is gone, like my brain is broken.
Mom and Dad don’t understand how hard it is to try to do things every day when I am that sleepy. They don’t understand anything. Living with them is making me feel worse. They think I am lazy and spoiled when really I need so much help. I can’t take care of myself. I have so little energy I put it into the most important things. I just don’t have the ability to do anything else. It would be even worse if I wasn’t at home, they don’t know. When I live alone I barely eat and what I do eat is unhealthy because it’s easy to get. I don’t shower daily. I don’t get dressed or brush my hair or teeth. I am even fighting hard right now to maintain some of these rituals, much less keep up with cleaning my room or other household chores.
I feel like I want to die every other hour it seems. I just feel I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I feel empty and alone like there is no hope for me. Medication can take away my symptoms but not without destroying my body. Now I’ve been trying to sleep in the dark the past few nights to maybe help with my sleep problem? But it hasn’t been helping and it takes me SO LONG to fall asleep because I get so much anxiety in the dark and get many terrible thoughts and fear that my psychosis will act up. I hate myself lately. I feel disgusting and pathetic because I can’t do everything I should be able to do. I can’t even control my eating at this point because crappy food seems to be the only thing that makes me feel any kind of brief happy. happy. (I don’t play videogames anymore, haven’t touched any of my books in about 2 months, barely have the concentration to watch TV shows or movies. I WANT to do these things but it is like my will to do so has gone) So then I eat a ton of it and feel disgusting. I have no appetite otherwise.
I miss my friends. I don’t see my psychiatrist enough. The medication I’m on now the dose is too small and it is not helping as much as it should, but if I go higher I risk side effects. I don’t see the therapist enough. I just can’t stop thinking of how I have no reason to want to to live and that I’m only still here to keep other people from being upset if I were to kill myself. Also because I can’t kill myself and that makes me angry too because it makes me feel like a coward for not being able to do it and thus just making myself go through continued years of suffering with no way out except to keep suffering with no end in sight. I dread every day and feel relief when it’s over only to go through the same dread the next day. When will this horrible cycle be broken? I don’t enjoy life. I need help, but feel there is no help for me. I try my best to try to make my life better but to my parents it is just me wasting money and it makes me feel like I am just a waste and a bum. I really can’t stand myself lately. I can’t even socialize with my family normally for how terrible I feel all the time though sometimes I really try mostly I just want to be alone. I don’t know what to do. I’m even mad at myself for feeling sad right now, self pity is pathetic. I couldn’t even go to sleep on time tonight and now I’ll be sleep deprived tomorrow. Stupid. Why won’t God let this end?"
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And the worst thing is I don’t want to tell anyone this because I’ve realized no one can do ANYTHING to help. The therapist can’t do jack, she can’t end this. We talk about my feelings and I feel relieved and then they just build up again. The psychiatrist can try prescribing me different pills which I’ve had a 100% bad luck rate with, either they don’t work enough for my symptoms or do work but give me such severe side effects I can’t stay on them. Inpatient wouldn’t do jack, random group therapy and probably med adjustments, being away from life for a week or two then it’s back to square one with nothing changed. I can try getting back into a healthy lifestyle but what’s the point when the minute my symptoms act up I become unable to maintain it? And they DO act up and HAVE acted up even when I was keeping a very healthy lifestyle with proper sleep, exercise and diet. People being loving and comforting doesn’t end the suffering. There is literally no fix. I’ve tried so much and it just ends up being a lot of money down the drain for nothing. I’ve had hope and lost it too many times now.
I’m so sorry. It reads like things I’ve written myself. I’m also in a really bad place right now. It’s sort of my fault because I love to write and it makes me feel like I have purpose so I asked to change meds but it just made me worse and now I feel like I’m barely holding on. I couldn’t sleep for a long time, I started getting paranoid beyond the point where I couldn’t reason it away, I have a harder time keeping my delusions in check, I can’t even do my part of the household chores and they are really very minimal and I keep constantly thinking about this guy who, while wonderful, doesn’t give a ■■■■ about me and at best has completely forgotten about me. And it is just absurd because I’m ugly and even fatter than I used to be. And I’ve also had that same thought that the only reason I don’t kill myself is because I’m too much of a coward and it would upset my mom.
I would love to lie to you and tell you things will definitely get better. Just put on a smile, do some squat thrusts, step outside your door and poof magic wonderland. I can’t do that because, for me personally, I think if people would stop lobbing all those false platitudes at me I would have been better at learning to deal with things. But I believe things can get better. They really can.
The world can be horrible and when you see that, it kind of becomes all you can see. But the truth is the world is horrible and wonderful at the same time. Wonderful isn’t waiting for you to put on a smile and step out of the door. But it is out there. Also, there are things you are in control of and things you aren’t. One of the first steps is learning to delineate what those are. Don’t carry any weight but your own and when you are feeling better the weight you are willing to take from those you love. But never let people put weight on you without your consent.
I don’t know if this helps but it is the best I can offer. I really wish I could offer more. There is this weird guy on a schizophrenia forum, with a weird name from a video game that no one remembers And if he could do anything in the world right now, he would sit down, talk with you and even let you scream at him if it made you feel better. That counts for something right? Hell, I’d let you throw a pie in my face just to make you laugh. (Even though I hope I could pick the pie. I don’t know what difference that would make but I still would. Could it be cake. I’m actually more of a cake guy…which might explain being fat lol)
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Somebody rejected you. Somebody you’re not thinking about anymore. But it is affecting you. That’s my guess.
Can you talk to your parents and see what they’re willing to do to help you have that healthier lifestyle? It’s not true that it’s pointless because you can’t maintain it (on your own) right now.
It might not be what they thought they would be doing at this stage of their lives, or yours, but you will feel better than not doing it. I don’t know how long your troubles will last but I do believe eventually you will be able to get treatment that helps with your symptoms. In the meantime, try to make things as liveable as possible.
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Have you tried the haldol as suggested by your doctor? If not can you be more assertive about the risperidone/Abilify combo.
You have to fight for your sanity Anna. Meds are the answer.
Thanks, this did help me feel better, that was very thoughtful. Going out to buy a pie right now…
@PinCushion No, not anyone I can think of.
@twinklestars that’s a good idea…I think my mom already does a bit of this, she always tries to get me to eat nutritious meals and when she finds junk food in my room she tosses it (which is frustrating especially when I buy it with my own money but 
)
@everhopeful I don’t think my psychosis has been that bad lately. It’s mostly the depression and constant daytime sleepiness that is getting me.
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If you don’t feel well living with your parents, try to take an apartment if you can. That’s what I did. Parents are supposed to encourage their children, not the contrary.
If I had a daughter who successfully studied in a university while having a mental illness and being on medication, I would be so much proud of her even if she has some difficulties managing basic things!!!
Also, you should be proud of yourself and not let anyone disturb your pride. You don’t seem to feel proud of yourself which is quite surprising considering what you have achieved. Am I wrong?
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Hang in there Anna. Things can get better.
That’s one hell of an accomplishment to go to school, even when you don’t consider meds with a sedating effect.
I used to think I’d be hearing voices at normal talking volume, all the time, all day but I found a new medication that has helped reduce it. I suffered for over 20 years, from age 14.
It may not happen today, but someday you will find something that helps your depression.
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Wait, I thought we agreed I get to pick the pie. Crap! I just know you are going to pick the most painful of pie.
What is a painful pie?! 
Rock pie?!
I imagine cherry pie is painful. And do they make some kind of pepper pie? I get the feeling if there is a painful pie you will find it for me lol.
Many of us do, actually, but thanks for yet another insulting generalization.
I’m sorry. I should have written “Some parents…”