I became suicidal after driving myself crazy trying to figure out what it is. Still echoes in my mind. I called someone out on it before I decided to clam up and become a recluse. Well, things got weird, double speak was happening in a group of friends, and I pulled my best friend aside because I saw him participating in it. I knew I could trust him. Bit I had a feeling that he couldn’t tell me everything and I had to figure out the secret on my own. And being a very intense person and trying so desperately to figure out what was hidden from me I asked him what the hell was that? You guys were talking in two languages at once?! I came across as intensely pissed but I was just so frustrated at myself for not being able to understand it I couldnt stop myself from reacting out of instinct instead of a place of calm curiosity. He laughed and was like what? That’s just how people are.
I actually have proof that this exists and I don’t know if anyone else has had proof like this but it makes things all too real to just shake off as ‘being just a delusion or hallucination’. It is real it is happening and those people are a small part of the ‘they’ I refer to. Feeling anxious about sharing this I don’t know where it will take me. I’m not looking for people to say ‘its not real, if it is I don’t know about it, its not me, etc’ because of course someone who was for lack of a better phrase ‘in on it’ and talking to an outsider would say that which in turn deepens my core beliefs. I know there is some key that I am missing. I bet some of you feel similiar in your own way. But to me it is truth I have proof and no amount of medication has made it go away! I’ve tried so many: Latuda zyprexa remeron risperidone, buspar, cymbalta, (many antidepressants also) seroquel geodon…others I don’t even remember. If the antidepressants fixed my depressive cycles but antipsychotics don’t fix anything I feel like there is something more out there seriously!!!