It’s about 4:00 a.m where I’m sitting. In about seven hours my amazing kid sis goes in for surgery, and the family is insulating me. I hate being insulated. I want to know how are they going to stop a big bleeding ulcer? So people don’t want to tell me so I don’t get upset. But not knowing is making me upset.
I’ve already had my panic attack. The hallucination about the fire hit me as well. I was trying to find my sis in the fire like I always do, but she’s not here. My Dad had to sort of talk me down from this one. The voices are just playing and playing. Telling me I’m too whacko to understand what’s going on and that’s why no one will tell me, I’m too stupid to know. The hypnotist has been chattering with all the ways she going to die. The tactile hallucinations are amping up too, something is breathing down my neck. I am just about ready to jump out of my skin. But I am trying to breath and calm down. I’m back up to 4 cigarettes now. But I am not going to run off screaming into the dark morning.
My cross-wired laugh has already kicked in. I want to cry, but I can’t. Dad is here with me at my place, he talked me through some hard core night mares and some mental ghost. We’re going to go see the kid before she goes into surgery. I am fighting my focus like a fish on a line trying to wrangle it in. I want to come off like I can be calm. I want to appear calm and helpful so I’m trusted enough to be told what in the #$%* is going on.
I’ve been trying to sit here and breathe deep and not focus on my head and read what others are fighting down. I’m not the only one in the boat of bad nights and panic. Thank you all for being here.