Occasionally I will hear an internal-voice that is not mine, that will act as a reminder when I ask it something I forgot. So it’s like a cheat-code to my subconscious? Is this what medication seeks to block? I’m not sure if I was that crazy, or crazy enough to be hospitalized in the first place. But my main problems seem to be identity issues, issues of not knowing my own self. So would that be saying my schizophrenia was completely a lack of self-identity and trauma response?
I’m either Bipolar and adhd or schizoaffective and adhd. It doesn’t really matter. I don’t have hallucinations overall, other than I do sometimes get random thought insertions that are separate and I can distinguish but do not upset me. Those are not my worst symptom, which is more of the thought disorder that I would be concerned with, if I were to ever lose grip of reality then that would be my worst symptom. I don’t know what exactly it means, other than I have schizophrenia and not bipolar disorder. I’m not worried about hallucinations so much, those I can control. It’s when my thoughts become jumbled that I get concerned, but I’ve learned how to manage it for the most part—I think I’m over-enthusiastic about overcoming those, so I fail to see where it’s a complication. I don’t think I can overcome the most severe possible symptoms, even if they don’t ever occur until I’m at least 6 months off medication, which happened over 5 years ago. So it’s difficult for me to know if it will happen again…which causes my dilemma. I don’t have the symptoms anymore, so I see no need to keep treating what potentially may not occur anymore…for instance, if my symptoms were transitory or situational, how would I know?
If I don’t ever stop the medication? Right? Or should I keep taking it, assuming that the doctors know and have my interests. Because I know for sure I am not broken or unable to claim back all that psychosis took from me. I do have an illness, and I can become psychotic if not careful and not managing the disorder, but what does psychotic really mean? Does it mean a breakdown in senses? If so, then what’s the real threat of psychosis anyways? For real, what’s wrong with losing touch if you can find it again> the question being, is schizophrenia really chronic and degenerative and am I just lucky to have enough insight to overcome it?
If it is chronic, is it like PTSD or what? What causes schizophrenia to exist?
I don’t want to deal with it anymore, obviously like everyone else my age with this diagnosis I’m incredibly tired of it. I’ve made a pact with God that I will never self-harm or attempt suicide. That and when I was first diagnosed I studied non-violence and Buddhism, because the risk was identified and I understood that being psychotic means being prone to thought disturbances, which helped me cultivate my awareness around it. Now that I’ve evolved as a person, I’m more concerned about success and doing what’s right than the illness itself. I’m not disabled by it and it doesn’t prevent me from socializing for the most part other than peer judgements. I don’t actually have much to say about schizophrenia other than I don’t have a problem being given this label, as long as it’s not creating harm towards me and my rights as a person. I am not a criminal and I have no criminal record. But the idea of it does upset me. The idea that I could be crazy if I didn’t take medication is upsetting, and something I have to deal with. Sometimes I don’t think I would be crazy, and I haven’t gotten crazy much but I do become distrustful and manic. If manic means elevated moods, then I’m not bipolar. My friends think i just have a mild bipolar disorder but who are they to judge? I hope my psychiatrist might have a definite explanation of what’s really going on so I can cope with it. I had a shitty run with doctors, but my new doc is ok.
please stay with your current pdoc and work with him to adjust maybe the inner voice you speak of. Lately I’ve been noticing I have upsetting thoughts because of something like a voice in my head. I have decided it’s because I’m still smoking pot. I know now it’s affecting my well being and need to stop. I wish you well starrynight. you are a great person.!
Thankyou Jukebox, I’m not concerned it’s not loud. I don’t really pay attention to it, and I asked for the answer. It was when I realized I had the exact change needed for the cigarettes in my hand that I got a little freaked out, lol.
oh wow, that’s happened to me before too…one time I went and bought something like one of those packaged dill pickles, a soda pop and some cigarettes and the cashier said, “are you sure you don’t want to buy just a stick of gum or something?” the price was $6.66 weird ? truth is stranger than fiction. don’t let it blow your mind starrynight…it’s just numbers and numbers ■■■■ with a schizophrenic mind.
Yeah I was gonna buy a pack of cigarettes which was $4 and 46 cents. I handed him the four dollars and then a twenty, two cops showed up in the gas station and one was in line behind me. I got a little sketched as the they were sorta lingering. The cop seemed to stir when I realized I handed him a 20 and had the exact change in my hand, which I said out loud and kinda laughed it off. I felt awkward, as everything worked out in my favor exactly because I planned the possibilities. Not the exact change though, that was weird.
Jukebox is right - you are a great person @StarryNight.
I am like you, in the sense that I have bipolar disorder with most likely some schizophrenia, but not enough SZ for a SZA diagnosis, if this makes sense.
Some doctors will label me as bipolar, others SZA - at this point it doesnt really matter.
Hey if the Abilfy is working for you, then why not. Abilify is a good clean, non toxic medication, and if you can handle the stimulation that it causes, then this is a good thing.
Meds are just another tool, for us to get by with - when I brought up if I could live my life without meds, I saw a side of my doctor that I never saw - she assumed that I was going to stop taking my meds completely on my own, this was not the case, I was just questioning the need for them.
She basically freaked out and got very strict with me and mentions the words sending me to the Hospital if she had to and that she didnt want to do this. Then she pleaded that I stay on my meds.
It was a misunderstanding on her part and then an over reaction - but I got the message loud and clear, I probably need the meds.
I am glad that you like your new doctor, having a good relationship with your psychiatrist is important, and always ask the questions, even if they seem small. Remember you pay them, and you are actually their boss - as you hired them for a service, and expect only the best treatment from them - nothing less.
Best of luck to you and hopefully you will continue writing - you are very talented
Your words mean a lot to me, Wave. Thankyou for the support and compassion. Abilify isn’t actually stimulating for me, it seems to do the job its meant for and I’m still on it. I am also on adderall prescribed which is helping me with roadblocks, focusing and job performance. Without it I’m not as functional. I talked to someone who has severe OCD and also takes adderall and said, the same stuff, that if you need something to help focus and be altogether that that’s ok. It’s not a bad thing to be on medication, even if times are troubling, it’s better to weigh your options. For now the best option is to remain consistent with what I’m doing, while making minor changes to my lifestyle to be healthier. I’m adding a Vitamin B complex supplement and I’m going to give Lithium OTC a shot, hopefully it helps to calm me when I feel more energized or elated.
Life does have a lot of challenges, but remaining in balance is very crucial to survival. My psychiatrist seems to like me and I’m trying to have a good relationship with him. He seems to get the general context of my battles, but I have been gaining so much clarity and ground that I am starting to wonder if I am fully recovered, even then, it doesn’t matter. I’ll continue to take medication when recovery without it will never be a possibility for me. But at this point I guess it is a choice.
Check out the DSM 5 or ICD 10 for what schizophrenia is. College libraries will have those. Public libraries, maybe. Otherwise, it is about $80-150 for a copy of DSM 5.
Or, in my own words: schizophrenia is a label placed on the behaviorally abnormal who may have strange beliefs, weird thoughts, hold still for long periods of time, speak incoherently, have excessive fears of what others might do to them, hear voices or see things that others do not see, and sometimes are unable to care for themselves properly.