I’m at a loss as what to do regarding my mother.
She has always been up-tight and on the neurotic and controlling side but it’s just seems to get getting worse as she gets older.
I could go on and on but she is revolting to be around lately and I’d rather not be around her at all.
My parents are the same, they want a say in how I dress, how I talk, whom I meet etc. It’s so tiresome having to stand up for myself each and every time.
My mother did this as she was going through her perimenopause years. Unfortunately, it never went away. It became her new normal personality.
I learned how to put an emotional wall up between me and her, because when I tried confronting her about it she blew up at me.
It was actually my husband that talked me through this.
For awhile, my mother didn’t know how to react to me so she kept insisting I was being “cold” to her. After a few years of this coldness towards my mom, she settled down a bit and accepted what she needed to accept - that I am different from her and I make different choices in life than her.
Sorry you are going through this with your mom right now. I think issues with our parents or children can sometimes be the most challenging issues that we can face in life, especially with a severe mental illness.
My mom got more controlling when we were raising our kids. We raised them differently to her, and she was confronted with a combination of things. Fear that we were doing it wrong, and that she would be culpable if she didn’t speak up. Fear/guilt that she had maybe done things wrong, and a reflexive defense of her own methods. A desire to create pictures she had in her head of what being a grandparent should be like, and frustration when we didn’t match the picture in her head. Feelings of rejection when teenagers did what teenagers do (ignore adults in favor of their phones).
It led to a huge blowout argument, but then we sent several emails back and forth. It was easier for us to communicate properly in long-form writing, because we could take the time to truly process what the other person was saying. She was able to more clearly articulate her own fears, and I was able to show empathy for the feelings behind her behavior, and make suggestions for better ways to handle the feelings. She made a genuine effort, and Starlet now adores his nana beyond all belief. It took some hard conversations, and we were only able to come to a peaceful resolution because my mom genuinely wanted to connect in a positive way, and was willing to learn and grow. Not everyone is.
Could be onset of dementia. It makes what is bad worse.
That’s beautiful that it paid off. Some things you never know. Unless you try. It’s good she was willing to learn and grow. Some ppl have it hard and just need someone to show them how to do things, in a constructive way.
It’s easy for me to find sympathy for my mom. She was a teenage runaway who got pregnant and tried her best to keep us all safe and happy and healthy. Her best was about as good as one would expect from a teenager who had no good role models, but it was still her best and that is worth something.
Ty @Ninjastar for the reply. I’m glad you and your mum could work it out.
Hugs. I hope you and yours can, also. I know it’s not always possible.
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