At my worst, suicide was always on my mind. I even stuck my dads .22 rifle in my mouth to see what it would feel like. But as much as my life now is not the greatest, I am so happy I stuck around. I’ve outlived FIVE people I knew who committed suicide. They’re not around anymore. They’re not around while I’m driving through McDonald’s for a large coke.They’re not around while I’m having dinner at my sisters house every week. They’re not getting smiles from pretty girls like I do each day at work. And they’re not around while I’m enjoying my 100 CD’s collection every day. I’ve been a janitor for 4 years now and I’m 53 years old. But my job keeps gas in my car, meat on my table, and nice clothes on my back. But I understand peoples frustration with having schizophrenia. My case of schizophrenia was SEVERE in the beginning. I didn’t know if I would ever get better. For 2 1/2 years starting when I was 19 I had nothing because of my illness. I had no friends, no money, no job, no car, no girlfriend, no sanity and no independence. NOW I have a little something. A job, classes, a car, my own studio apartment (renting). I can’t fix everyone’s life. For my first 2 1/2 years I couldn’t even help myself except to submit to being hospitalized for 8 months and being heavily medicated and spending the entire 1980’s in hospitals group homes, day treatment, and semi-independent living. And I spent the LATE 1980’s being addicted to crack. But I can just tell you to survive and endure. Now I’m clean and I have MANY good moments. Tonight is turkey and waffles for dinner and pudding for desert. I still enjoy some basic pleasures. An hour ago I walked over to Walgreens and bought a gallon of milk and joked around with the cute cashier. Life is just weird and can get better when you least expect it. Personally, I paid my dues. Now I will enjoy whatever I can. Good luck to everybody here. There’s hope out there.
Thanks-I needed to read this tonight–worried over my kid…
I agree 100%.
Good attitude for survival!
I do feel like giving up.
If the oppurtunity was there to go to a clinic and drink barbitol id probably do it. I never liked the idea of risking something worse by botching a gun shot, don’t want to cut myself open and bleed. I suppose a hanging wouldn’t be to bad. Most certainly not going to jump, i don’t like heights.
Barbitol sounds very nice though, i should be able to have some, why is that not legal? I would have to get it from some guy, i wouldn’t even know what i was drinking, it should be legal for a guy like me.
And what a horrible life and situation, keep going or die forever, what a choice to lay on someone, just horrible. What a nightmare all of this is.
Oh well, whatever happens ill be dead soon anyway, and then fourteen billion others can take our places and face the same thing, it’s just so wonderful.
What a choice for people, well most people anyway. Keep suffering, die forever, and no matter what you’ll just be dead soon anyway. maybe you can grow old, that sounds like fun, mmmmmmm, id love that.
It’s the gift you never wanted.
I somehow thought you were younger… and glad you’ve stuck around to relay your messages.
One of life’s small pleasures.
Thanks for this post @77nick77
I’ve done some investigation of near death experiences. They say that in the case of suicide you have to go back and resolve the crisis that compelled you to commit suicide. It isn’t an escape. You have to go back and do it over. I’ve made several attempts a long time ago. I took 4500 mg of Trazodone. Apparently I’m immune to any amount of Trazodone. I had the car running in the garage. The radiator hose broke. I had the natural gas turned on in a room. There must have been some kind of safety mechanism, because the gas automatically turned off. Sometimes I think God just didn’t intend for me to commit suicide. Now, like you, my life has its good moments. It’s not bad. I’m glad I didn’t succeed at committing suicide.
I too have had attempts. I took ten bottles of 60 risperdal one time. as my body slowly started ramping to fight all the poison I put in my body I called 911 because I started seeing devils. I thought I was going to hell. I agree with what crimby says about going back and having to go through what was causing the pain in the first place. mine was mostly medicine related so once I changed my meds I had more hope. Hope is vital to living. without hope, we die. I am glad you chose life crimby, or rather, that life chose you. fight the good fight brothers and sisters.
Well said. It’s good to hear that you have come so far.