Amplitude, you might want to peruse this

[77nick77]

At my worst, suicide was always on my mind. I even stuck my dads .22 rifle in my mouth to see what it would feel like. But as much as my life now is not the greatest, I am so happy I stuck around. I’ve outlived FIVE people I knew who committed suicide. They’re not around anymore. They’re not around while I’m driving through McDonald’s for a large coke.They’re not around while I’m having dinner at my sisters house every week. They’re not getting smiles from pretty girls like I do each day at work. And they’re not around while I’m enjoying my 100 CD’s collection every day. I’ve been a janitor for 4 years now and I’m 53 years old. But my job keeps gas in my car, meat on my table, and nice clothes on my back. But I understand peoples frustration with having schizophrenia. My case of schizophrenia was SEVERE in the beginning. I didn’t know if I would ever get better. For 2 1/2 years starting when I was 19 I had nothing because of my illness. I had no friends, no money, no job, no car, no girlfriend, no sanity and no independence. NOW I have a little something. A job, classes, a car, my own studio apartment (renting). I can’t fix everyone’s life. For my first 2 1/2 years I couldn’t even help myself except to submit to being hospitalized for 8 months and being heavily medicated and spending the entire 1980’s in hospitals group homes, day treatment, and semi-independent living. And I spent the LATE 1980’s being addicted to crack. But I can just tell you to survive and endure. Now I’m clean and I have MANY good moments. Tonight is turkey and waffles for dinner and pudding for desert. I still enjoy some basic pleasures. An hour ago I walked over to Walgreens and bought a gallon of milk and joked around with the cute cashier. Life is just weird and can get better when you least expect it. Personally, I paid my dues. Now I will enjoy whatever I can. Good luck to everybody here. There’s hope out there.