I’m disappointed in my self. Every attempt I make to go to church or anything church related something happens whether small or extreme where I miss out. I have little means and when I plan and organize to go it back fires. I don’t have a car so I use public transportation. On Sundays the bus runs every hour. So I left my house 20 minutes in advance today. Had my fiance’s clothes out and de-wrinkled, made breakfast, made sure he got up after me so he could rest longer. I asked him yesterday if we could go. He said ok. So I told him we had to go in the morning so he would have time to come home and get ready for work or rest etc. He stayed up until 1am and he wouldn’t have went to bed if I hadnt said anything. That’s besides the point.
I missed the bus bc I forgot my lighter. So I ran in the store by the bus stop to get a lighter and I asked him to wait on the bus for me. We’ve done this before where he would call me and distract the driver while I run to the bus. This time he didn’t do so he left the stop to get me while I was standing outside while a stranger was asking me for a cig.
I’m upset because I have to do everything on my own a certain way or I miss out. Not just on church but everything. And I refuse to blame my fiance for my failures anymore. All it does is make us fight and make matters worse. So I’m really depressed. I missed out on a lot of things that make me happy. And it’s probably why I don’t get excited anymore and I’m diagnosed with depression because I have failed too many times to do a simple task. Other times when I plan to do something there is an emergency, or I have no money, or I’m stranded, called into work last minute, I’m asked to babysit and whoever is asking me has no one else. And I’m upset because I plan and worry about everyone and everything like today for example. Clothes, breakfast, alarms, schedule and it all failed over a stupid cigarette habit. I had our books ready and asked my fiance if he had everything he needed and we left. Now I have to go alone at 3:30p while he’s at work. But I have very bad anxiety so in a way I need him to come with me but I can’t depend on him or myself to do anything bc if something goes wrong he will not catch me. So I have to bare it alone.
Now he’s sleeping and I’m out here crying my eyes out bc I do not get to enjoy much and this meant everything to me. I haven’t been to church in 2 years. And before that I went 3 years without going.
This world can interfere with church but nothing can break ur relationship with Christ… Make time for him even if it is just reading scripture by urself…
Time is just a temporary thing while we’re here… And u chose to show ur faith by helping bf others even when it interfere with ur plans… even giving a cig to a stranger is charity… So don’t worry the Lord loves you and understands…
I just wanted to be surrounded by people with the same faith in a sense. I study alone all the time and feel alone and because of my anxiety I isolate a lot. My fiance and I have very different understandings so even though he’s here I still feel lonely. I don’t feel lonely at church just sometimes overwhelmed. I don’t ask my fiance to do much and I bare a lot alone. Just when I do ask and he agrees… It can’t be depended on unless it’s money for bills which I appreciate and respect him for that. But in a sense I bare a lot of responsibility on my own. And it’s difficult with my disorder. Literally all my fiance has to do is go to work and come home. Carry groceries that are too heavy, take out the trash and sometimes clean his own mess. Everything else I have done and have to continue to do.
Budgeting and managing finances for the both of us, filing paperwork his or mine, grocery shopping and smart shopping, maintenance (fixing plumbing or whenever something breaks), cleaning, cooking, restocking household supplies, coming up with ideas to reduce cost, checking the mail, applying for insurance, going to my doctors, filling my prescription, going to therapy etc. I had to search and get our apartment because he didn’t want to. His excuse for everything is I don’t know how. All he wants to do is work, sleep, use the bathroom, have sex and play the playstation. Anything else I have to constantly ask him to do and I ask him to do it bc sometimes he won’t eat if I don’t cook or remind him to eat. Then when his needs aren’t met he’s upset and I get the angry side of him bc I’m around all the time so it’s only natural. So I decided to continue to ask because although annoying bc I cannot bare the responsibilities and his anger over preventable things at the same time.
I thought men were suppose to take the lead in the marriage.
Before when he was living with his mom I had to do this for his whole family with minimal help until his aunt moved in. But at that point she moved in bc his mom got tired of us fighting and I got kicked out so he stayed and I found myself a place to live. His mom passed away this January and I was fortunate enough to find us an apartment so he wouldn’t be homeless but his attitude is still the same just with added grief. I had to file her life insurance, talk to the funeral director for him, arrange the memorial, made sure we sent in death certificates to social security and creditors. Called his family etc alone. I’m losing hope with my engagement. I’m losing hope all together and burning out.
I do not expect him to change nor do I want to change him. It just hurts me when I attempt to leave him with everything he needs to take care of himself and he begs me to stay not realizing I can not go on like this. I do not want to marry someone like this it’s mentally destroying me.
I’m just fortunate that I do not have children at this time. I want to leave before it’s too late
U seem really strong… I understand the anxiety part of church but just find one person to get to know really well there and rely on that person for ur support while at church… a close friend, many are willing to be there for each other u just have to gain the courage to ask…
And if u do really love this guy , start slowly teaching him how to be independent of you… give him one of the task u do and help him through it but don’t take it upon urself to do it… Just let him learn till it becomes a habit than give him something else…
Don’t rush into anything in a marriage, there next to be permanent, but also pray, ull get the right answer in your heart…
Thank you and I will continue to try. We have been together 6 years… Next april will be 7. I set up a bank account for him so all he has to do is click a button to pay bills and I even have our emails linked to a calander to remind him. I did not do this for the notion of control solely so if I’m hospitalized he knows what to do and when. But whenever I give him a task it goes undone. So I ask and he’ll get up and do it with disdain. When I was hospitalized our bills went unpaid for 2 weeks so when I got out I had to ask my dad to help and rebudget to pay him back.
I’m tired @Itsme I cannot raise a 30 year old man. I do not want to and I do not try to. I want a loving husband. I do not want this anymore. I’m only venting because I bare all of this and all I wanted to do for enjoyment was attend church but now every pain in my heart is spreading out like wild fire. I go to therapy tomorrow bc for the past year I agreed to myself not to vent to my fiance bc it’ll be seen as nagging so I go to therapy and I only speak to him when I need his help or to ask how his day is going. I keep everything inside and I dont have many friends that’s why I’m on here.
It’s understandable… If u feel uve done all u can do than its time for him to drastically change… Have you tried couples therapy?
A one side relationship, even if it is with responsibilty, isn’t healthy… You also may still be emotional about church this morning so you could be thinking drastically…
But remember to take care of yourself, being in a relationship is supporting eahcother and self at the same time…
He doesn’t want counseling. I asked him a while ago if he wanted to go and he would say yes so I’d schedule and like today for some reason or another we don’t make it. So I decided to only go for myself and have been going for a year.
I even asked for online counseling and I or my dad would pay for it but this time he honestly said no instead of saying ok thinking it would keep me quiet.
Stay strong… It’s just a moment of life and opportunities are always available… Keep relying on Christ and he’ll present the right thing to keep you moving forward in his plan…
hi Lanelle, welcome to the forum. there aren’t many christians on this site and I refrain from talking about God as much as I can because there’s always a lot of people posting that are nonbelievers that always take offense…I don’t go to church but I pray daily and read my bible. I think about going to church but I never do it. I had delusions about Christ when I was ill so I am afraid to go.
Like Christians, alcoholics can also be “not so spiritual by nature”…and have trouble improving their understanding of the golden rule, but everybody is trying
Not saying you should go to aa, I’m more posting this for myself
I couldn’t find a religious section so I put in my title for relevence. Just seeking advice and I’ll use discretion and discernment as much as I can. And thank you for the welcome. I appreciate it and enjoy the support.
Yeah it’s hard sometimes. Sorry I was boarding public transportation and kinda skimmed. I’m afraid to go alone anyways. I want to go at least once to ask if I can call in to listen if I can’t attend. They have accomodations for the disabled but I have to request it bc they don’t want a bunch of unnecessary people calling in or making harassing phone calls.
Once my sister went to counseling for her marriage and she was told to get a divorce. Her marriage has worked out for the better now so far so good. Her husband is very motivated and involved with doing his part though. So far so good.
I hope you find a counseler or therapists who knows all your options and outcomes and can support you the way you deserve it.
This sounds very serious and you sound like you understand your situation.
I will take all of your advice.