I was abused. I know that has nothing to do with schizoaffective disorder but it has everything to do with me. Every thought, every breath, every cell, every moment ever since has been colored by the abuse and that is just the way that goes.
I was abused, and when he stopped I picked up right where he left off and started abusing myself. Many, many years I hurt myself over and over again not knowing that I was the one doing the hurting. But somehow I learned to put it down. My abuser left this world and I gradually felt my grasp on the past letting go and then one day I just put it down. I put down the anger, fear, hypervigilance and hate.
I was abused and I carry with me the sadness. I am sad for him that he was so ill and never got the help he needed. I am sad for me that I carried such a heavy load all by myself for so long. I am sad that 1 in 10 people are victims of abuse. But I give myself permission to be sad, I think it’s justified.
I was abused. But what I really wanted to say is that it’s not still happening. And for those of you who are still carrying that weight I encourage you to find away to get through your process the best you can so you too can put it down. Life on this side of things is so much more peaceful. Remember, it’s not still happening and you don’t have to live it over and over again everyday.
And I love you and I’m here for you. Please PM me if you need to talk anytime.