Could be PTSD from your psychotic experience? Not feeling anything is a symptom of that. It could be that you are coping in a way? It could be SSRIs? Probably all of it.
It gets better. I too lost my creativity. But I’m glad today that I lost it. I used to be absorbed in my mind. What bothers me though is that I want my math skills back. My dream is to start studying again.
You will get better. But you’ll probably not get back to your old self. Psychosis changes people. It changed me. I’m trying to assess who I am today. I used to read biology, medicine and dreamt of working in the health field.
But now I realize that I can’t. I’ve also lost empathy and compassion for people for treating me like ■■■■.
Right now you need to focus on your recovery. Eat your meds, rest, don’t stress, find something simple you can do every day. Take walks. Eat healthy.
Okay, so what are you doing about it? Keep in mind that it could take years to start feeling good emotions again (it did for me). What are your short-term and long-term goals?
I wonder if it’s so severe because it’s a combination of anhedonia , depression and grief. It really could be all 3. You’re grieving your life and mind and emotions pre-sz.
Even if it is, it can get better with time. It’s not easy to work at getting better but it’s essential.
Go to therapy, force yourself to do an activity weekly or more if you’re able, go to support groups like NAMI or others near you, stay sober, etc.
I truly believe that with effort, over time, you can and will get better.
Well im gonna try to go to the gym to take my mind off it and keep listening to music in the hopes that one day i can enjoy it like how i used to. But music now is a source of frustration rather than joy but sometimes i can get snippets of positive vibes when listening to certain songs.
Apart from that, see my friends, go out to gigs with them, or dj sets, get back into reading and spend less time on reddit and the forums searching for other peoples experiences in the attempt to make myself feel better. It doesnt help much but i just keep looking for reassurance. I’m also going to experiment with my dose of meds and hanging them too, my pdoc is aiming to put me on aripiprazole (abilify) this year to replace the invega.
As for my goals, my long term is to get music back, but i dont know if that is just in vain, and pointless
Thanks @LilyoftheValley I never considered it could be a combination but it would make sense. But what puzzles me is that when I was psychotic in the hospital at summer, I felt more like myself and could enjoy music, although I was conversing with other entities at the time and was feeling possessed by people i know. When i took the paliperidone i felt so horrible and suicidal and thats when music started to not sound euphoric to me anymore.
Yes i believe I have some form of ptsd as well. When I was walking around London for four days I was subjected to horrifying nightmare fuelling scenarios that I believed were actually happening which related to my family dying, my house being sold, the apocalypse, everyone turning into demons etc.
I just feel empty and hollow inside. When someone mentions something nice or tells good news, or even jokes, i just dont feel anything. I think im deeply damaged.
Im also on Invega it took me 2 years to feel mostly normal again also I had to change my hobbies to video gaming because my old hobbies dont interest me anymore
I couldn’t listen to music when I was first diagnosed and trying made me depressed. I couldn’t feel anything except upset that I wasn’t feeling what I used to. But I kept trying.
Thanks @anon82948922, you have been encouraging. Im just afraid of the unknown future, it does give hope when you share your story to me but I keep getting a feeling that its never going to change (my anhedonia) Ive spoken to other people on reddit as well and have seen that theres people who have still not recovered years down the line after quitting their meds. I dont want to end up like that but it feels inevitable.
Thats a really nice set up btw, when you say music is back, are you able to feel the euphoria, the energy of a song? Like are you able to feel the urge to dance when a good song comes on? (That is if you do like dancing)
Well, quitting your meds is the best way to make sure you stay sick forever. I have been med compliant for close to all of the past three decades my worst rough patches were always off meds.
Oh yeah. I also like to play games involving music such as Smash Drums, Beat Saber, Supernatural, and OHDANCE on my Meta Quest 3.
Is it possible to live well without them though? Im quite new to this, i was planning on tapering off aps under the supervision of my pdoc whenever he sees fit for me to do so.
I think i feel that way because currently I feel like the meds side effects have really messed with me, i had a really bad reaction to the paliperidone when i first got it, and ive been numb ever since.
Hoping aripiprazole can bring back some of what ive lost
Haha ive never played those, ive only seen meme songs being used on beatsaber for the lols.
Not for the 99.9% of severely ill schizophrenics. The ones who can go without are the ones who maybe have one or two episodes and then their symptoms drift away on their own. If you have severe positive symptoms, negative symptoms, or both, expect to be on meds for life. Which isn’t as big of a deal as it used to be. You can live a quality life on head meds now.
Those are all great ways to improve things. Exercise particularly helps my mental wellbeing way more than I’d ever guessed before I tried.
About which med will work for you and how long you will be on them, your dose etc., those are all things you’ll have to figure out with time. It’s one of those things that highly varies from person to person, but the way it usually goes is people take them for life. The side effects aren’t as bad after you get used to them though.
Same thing goes to how you will feel: it’s pretty much impossible to tell. Although it’s pretty easy to let negativity take a hold of you when you’re having a bunch of bad experiences and hear other people talk about how it only gets worse from here on the internet (don’t mean on this forum, but in general), you gotta remember that most important thing is to try and get better. So if you find yourself overwhelmed by hopelessness like I did before, it’s pretty healthy to take a break, be it from the internet or whatever else is getting you down.
The most important thing to know about negative symptoms is that they can get better. At least for me they did, contrary to what everyone (and everything) led me to believe when I got ill.
I was living with psychosis for a year( was conversing with other entities, had delusions about the world and humans and thought reality revolved around me, like a dream.) I had instances where i had episodes where i thought someone was coming to hurt me at least twice last year.
The biggest one was the summer just gone.
After being treated my positive symptoms are very small. And for negatives, im not sure what they are but i know anhedonia and alogia is two of them. But i feel my anhedonia was caused by the paliperidone.
Its just that i feel so inhuman now. My cognition is highly impaired, its hard to conversate with another person now. Im so slow, and this was ever since i got treatment. My memory has suffered, when i think of a nice memory, i dont feel nostalgia anymore, i just feel nothing.
Like someone else said it could be a combo of depression, anhedonia and grief. I just miss music most of all. I feel like my legs have been cut off
It’s a false perception. I think we’re unaware of what we’re really doing and thinking. But I agree, it’s possible to enjoy music while floridly psychotic.
After my first half-year long episode I had similar complaints as you. Also trying to figure out whether it was meds, negs, or depression. For me too it started a little after coming out of psychosis. My doc thought of it as post psychotic depression. I recall his very words, he compared having gone through a long psychotic break to having been surviving in the jungle, your psyche is exhausted after survival mode and it takes time to adjust to normal life again. It improved in about half a year to a year. I cannot stress enough how important it seems to me to stay engaged. I know, right now it feels you are just going through the motions at best, and that you cannot engage at all at worst. But fake it to you make it here. So keep seeing your mates even if you don’t say much, see it as a recovery objective to do so. And take this attitude towards the other stuff too. Right now you are investing to enjoy later on. The sure thing that’s not going to bring improvement is shutting everything off and just wait for improvement. Wishing you the best
To add: I was also very much into making music and going to gigs. I recall in this depressed period my favourite artist coming to town. My idol. I left the show after half an hour or so, I just did not see the point as I was not feeling anything. This got better, and I got to make music again later. I have later replaced producing music with another hobby, but creativity can return. But please stay engaged.
Psychosis can be a life altering experience. It was in my case.
I quit my job, moved continents and went on disability and meds.
I think exercising is a great idea. I like going for walks and they give me energy and help burn calories.
I’m also on paliperidone. The max dose of pills. I tried several meds and it’s the only one that dampens my voices.
I would try to find something that you feel passionate about. In my case it was studying (I did a BSc with voices) and traveling (I’m currently 3 months in Barcelona).
Even though some things won’t be possible anymore (for me returning to a corporate jobs), there might be different avenues that you can explore.
Hey thanks for the good advice, its hard to remain engaged when i have no drive at all. But i guess theres no other choice if i want to get better. Its just whenever theres a group convo with my friends, i just cant follow, i’m basically mute and my concentration is completely destroyed.
Btw yes i love going to gigs but with my recent aversion to music this has been difficult to enjoy. Did you get your love for music back? The euphoria and everything?
