I can’t go into detail of why I am scared. But I am becoming increasingly terrified for my safety as a human being.
It is sparking my suicidal ideation. More passive though. Like if stuff gets serious and hits the fan that is my way out. But I am worried it will increase and become harder to manage.
With all this stress, I am worried of a relapse of positive symptoms. Mainly delusions. Since that is my usual flavor of misery. They are always there but I just try not to focus on them too much.
I don’t want to end up back in the hospital. I haven’t been in 3 years. Don’t want to restart the timer. Plus I don’t want to be away from my dog.
I want all of this to just be a trick of my mind, unreality, something other than what it is. I’m just worried that I am going to backtrack.
I was going to leave my family’s and go to my apartment tomorrow. But I don’t think that is a good idea with where my headspace is at.
I am still taking my meds and have therapy tomorrow. Maybe talking it out will help a bit. Fingers crossed.
I’m sorry you’re going through this but that’s about all I can say since you don’t tell us what you’re paranoid about. Because it’s paranoia about something that’s bothering you right? My only suggestion is face up to it directly and deal with it directly. Talking it out sounds like a good idea. You may just be worrying about something that the chances are slim is really going to happen. Unless someone is really threatening your life or really making you feel unsafe then the alternative is it’s just paranoia and nothing is going to happen to you.
Mark Twain was quoted as saying “All my life I worried about things that never happened”
Talk this out with your therapist – lean on your coping mechanisms in the meantime. Your favorite calming music, take your dog for a walk, a laid back show or movie. Whatever helps take your mind off the thoughts. Hope ya feel better
