Feeling like it's my fault

Prior to diagnosis and prior to meds I was feeling like if only I could control myself better, if only I was stronger, if only I worked harder, if only I bucked up I could handle it. I think there’s a part of me that still holds on to that. There’s a big part of me that feels like it’s my fault for being sick because I didn’t try enough to get better. I need to face the fact that I’m ill and that nothing is going to change that. I need to accept that sza is a lifetime of medication and therapy and extra special care that is required to function. I also need to accept that I may not ever recover to the point of going back to work. And I need to stop living in the fantasy that one day I will be normal and medication free. I need to stop thinking it’s my fault but nonetheless be responsible for taking care of myself.

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I know the feeling all too well. I’m very hard on myself, and I have a hard time trying to shake the feeling that I should have been able to handle all this better.

Some things we just need a little help for. And it’s natural to grieve the loss of independence and ability, but we have to look forward and try to remind ourselves of the abilities we do have.

You are a wonderful person, sza or not, and don’t let anything take that away!

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I think this is what leads me to want to go off meds so frequently, I just think I should have been able to handle it. But that’s not the reality. The reality is I need the meds and I have to face that. It’s hard though, especially when my siblings don’t believe in psychology and psychiatry and I often feel alone in the fight. I just have to try and remember what my brain was like prior to meds and remember the terror. I never want to go back to that again.

And you’re so sweet

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