Schizophrenia.com

If the meds never really helped me, should i count on myself now?

Ok, i will still take my meds, but why i am so unhappy still? Dealing with conversion disorder as well and all the other stuff???
I am paying more efforts than before, but i still do few tbh… I talked to one onther ill friend now and sometimes i still feel that i socialize wrongly, that my other friends are all better than me… Idk why i am like this…
I am really decided to be happier now, maybe with efforts, but will i have enough strength? Maybe the unhappiness and the guilt and the other stuff cant be helped by meds, isnt it?
I really tried 11 aps for ten years plus multiple ads… Idk, meds just dont work on me…
In the same time, i am isolated since 20 years between 4 walls and maybe it affected me idk… One friend told me, that its not possible to feel fine if i dont socialize, if i dont go out and do nothing yeap… But in the same time, my illness developed even though when i was surrounded by many people and was a kid, so i was in school etc… I was unhappy since kid, thats the truth… Now i think of my mistakes, maybe its up to me to change my shitty character and the ill sensations that come with it, but will this pay? :confused: … Idk, maybe my friends hate me, i am just very awkward with them… Maybe i dont even deserve, that anyone still talks to me… I grew up in family where the mental illness was seen very bad, so i even became as my parents maybe unconsciously… Idk…
So my question is if i should continue fighting more to change myself and if this is the path? thats all… i guess theres still my envy here towards all others, cause they seem happier to me, but i am not proud of this yeah…I am envious of a friend, who is diagnosed here with the same illness here, but she just seems happier than me all the time…Me, i just sucked since 25 years and even more, yeah…

Yes @Anna1, count on yourself more.
Still take your meds as prescribed though.

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Oh, thanks for the message, hon :blush:
Yeah, ill take them. I think id be even worse without them so i take them, yeap :slight_smile: My ex pdoc ended up by saying to not switch anymore and to now pay efforts… But i am a bit worried that i didnt become happier on them… I saw around me how the most of my friends got their life in hands after some months on meds… Not me… But i could be wrong, maybe they have their preoccupations still. I tend to forget, that its a hard illness and that i have it too… I even ask myself if i am schizophrenic, cause some docs wonder it too and i rarely relate to some of you here… But maybe its just me… My jealousy, my envy, yeah… what a shame, but i still talk about this :confused: … Maybe now i am just shocked, that i had no life since kid and always this loneliness and isolations since more than 20 decades, which could be hard for everyone… Plus i dont understand why i get up nausous and other body stuff every afternoon, while i tried to be more energetic in the day… Haha… Maybe i have my sick ambitions now, yeap… Do i look as a sz though? Maybe a one with negative symptoms and with a personality disorder maybe?
Ok, to count on myself, i see… But yeap, i have problems in believing that its only up to me to get happier and not relying on meds, thats all :frowning:

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Hang in there @Anna1
One step at a time.

Ok, wave, but you support me through the years… How long should i hang?
Tbh, now i really do things, but why i had to skip the last 25 years??? Is it possible? I feel as an e.t. …
Plus, i still dont feel well, maybe i want way too much to be happy while we all need to deserve it? As i said, i believe a bit, that its all by my fault, cause i could have mean thoughts etc etc…
The meds dont give happiness or sometimes they work more for some than for others?

I am sure that the meds are working but you may not be noticing much.

Continue what you are doing, don’t be so hard on yourself, your doing fine.

Maybe find someone to talk with like a therapist also.

Take care Anna

If its up to me, why this didnt enlightened me before??? Why i had to skip 25 years? :frowning:
Its hard to be so alone, i dont want to talk even to a therapist anymore… All that they were saying before is to do more, yeap…
My most honest pdoc was also wondering how not a single med didnt make me happier… I even dont know if the meds can make this… No, not working on me like this, nope…
I agree that maybe the meds make me more rational maybe, but nothing else…
But the big question remains - why if it always was up to me, i didnt make it earlier? Sorry to lay you now here all my screwed up life, but i was very alone for way too much time… I am almost 40 years old and i even didnt have a proper french kiss from no one… Why for all this time, i had my dreams and need to be loved too…
Idk if theres somebody on earth who also spent 20 years in isolation because of the sz… I regret even now, that i complain but yeah… If its up to me, why i didnt do it earlier, wave???

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You are too concerned with the judgment of others, when you should be concerned with things that make you happy and enjoying yourself. You probably learned this, so it may be a hard habit to break. And it’s hard to not let negative people affect you, but their judgments and negativity are unimportant.

It’s fine to rely on others as much as possible as well. Personally I can’t grok this crappy predicament otherwise.