ok, i am hard right now but am i responsible about my illness? i know not all sufferers are like me but i was to a point to curse and swear. i became verbally aggressive. so i left the impression to my friends and family that i am just someone bad i guess 
. i once even heard from my mom that the devil visited me in the past cause i became really bad… ive always had the reason not to hurt anyone physically but i was bad yes… even my ex boyfriend thought that i can change without the help of the meds and that i am dumb to take them… he told me that i am a junkie because of taking them… i was always med compliant. maybe i am really dumb but when you know just the sadness and the rage and the depression since kid, you look by all ways for the light in the tunnel…am i just weak and bad? in general, since some time i stopped listening to that kind of thinking that i am bad. but hell boy, i should get ashamed of all my jealousy and rage. whataver, my life was ruined by this illness. like you know, i live between 4 walls since 17 years. and before, it wasnt better.
but my question is- was there a break point where i could have been go to the salvation instead of have got down? do you have this impression for you too?
but whatever. maybe its a karma. i guess my dad was ill too and i inherited it even worse…
Have you tried any psycho therapy?
once… it didn’t help me much. and now, my mom thinks that it wont help me. for her, somebody who got so deep there is no help. but I didn’t want to complain right now…I am just wondering if I take meds to kill my ‘‘bad’’ nature, its strange though…but I have paranoia too, I hate it, its one of the mosr difficult symptoms to live with for me…meds are helping already but I need time still 
Anna, you don’t have a bad nature. You have a disease, and that’s not your fault. You’re not being punished. You just have really bad luck. You are still a good person who deserves more than the life she was given.
Oh, thank you dear ninjastar 
yes, ill try to think less like this. So i continue struggling. Maybe at the end, life can be beautiful even for me one day 
so i keep walking. ■■■■ all the lost years, it was what it was. I was in suffering before the meds yeap, i made etrors, my doc made errors but it happens.
I was forced to get Haldol injections because, well, I guess no one liked me very much, but still I protested.
My pdoc said to me very clearly, that I didn’t have to take the shot for myself, but for the sake of everyone around me.
There were two red cheeks that day. 