I’m so tired. I work so hard and do so much to try and do better. And yet I keep hitting road block after road block.
Years ago I was doing alright and then my mental health took a nose dive after I got fired from a job
All of my problems had come to a head and I couldn’t just ignore them anymore.
I spent years working through everything in therapy and I improved drastically
I was feeling better overall I had friends. I was handling the bad times so much better. I was going out. And enjoying life. I was taking care of myself.
I finally felt like I was getting my life together. And I landed a job at a pharmacy and just as I was getting settled in BAM my physical health gave out.
It’s been a year and a half since then and it honestly feels like I’m back to square one.
I’m so frustrated by it all. I can’t do much cause of the new disability. I can hardly go out, I can’t really cook, doing self care is a process. I can’t even go out for a walk.
I can barely hang out with my friends and it’s made me feel so abandoned and bitter. Which I know isn’t entirely fair to them but I just felt so alone through all of this and it hurts so bad.
And throughout the process of these various health problems my mom has never stopped letting me know how much of a burden I am.
And how inconvenient it is to take me to appointments.
How inconvenient a wheelchair is.
And how I’m not doing enough even though I’m doing everything I can.
I’m so ■■■■■■■ burnt out. Everything is so exhausting I just want to rest but I can’t cause then I feel like I really am worthless. I feel like I’ve failed at recovery with where I’m at today. I’m so ■■■■■■■ tired.
Idk I just need to vent cause I just want to scream.
It’s not like it’s anything you can help. If it’s hurting your self esteem so bad I would help around your house if you could. If not it’s okay, I wouldn’t ever believe you’re a burden and just someone who is struggling.
Maybe that isn’t what your mother is really saying she may just be hoping you get better and has a hard way of expressing how she’s says it, ya know
I do try to help out around the house but I’m very limited in what I can do at the moment. About all I’m able to do is my dishes and I do try to tidy up a little but I wish I could do more. But 95% of the day I kind of just exist.
As for my mom I don’t doubt that she wants me to get better but… She’s always just kinda been like that. She never has time for me and when she does make time she… makes sure I know that.
It’s frustrating needing a ride to the doctor and she just lets me know that it’s taking time out of her day. And not taking me anywhere cause a wheelchair it’s “so cumbersome”. Or just making comments about how I’m too lazy.
My mother is a very draining person. Again I think you’re right that she wants me better but I think it’s probably a 50/50 split of her actually caring and her not wanting to deal with me
Despite having a skill set and education, I just can’t hold a job.
My therapist tells me I have to do what I can and allow myself to rest the other times.
When I’m on the couch just sitting and struggling with my thoughts I have to remind myself that this is my job, to endure this and still have quality of life.
Give yourself a break and let yourself rest without guilt.
That must be so much more difficult with your mother making you feel worse.
You gotta let that ■■■■ go.
Just like one of my favorite Drag Queens Jinx Monsoon:
Mother is always going to resent having to take me to appointments, she will always dig her heels in moan and whine thats just what she does and has always done. Accept and deal
Find new hobbies to do to take your mind from thinking about your disabilities 24/7
Eg music, reading, art, chatting online or phone someone once an evening, educational books, seek a therapist, knitting or anything that gives you a sense of achievement
Pay a cleaner to visit once a fortnight
Seek a carer to assist with taking care of things that you can’t manage currently
It sounds like you should be getting more help from social services and mental health so maybe look into this
I try to accept that my mom is just like that but it still gets to me unfortunately.
As for hobbies I do things but lately everything just feels so flat and joyless.
I go to therapy weekly
I talk to my boyfriend on the phone for hours every day
I can’t afford a cleaner or a caregiver
I unfortunately “don’t qualify” for many social services because I live with my parents and apparently they make too much despite how bad we’re struggling
I feel you there. I feel I am getting close to be a burden for my parents as well. Stuggeling to keep the jos as the meds settle in the body I feel weaker and weaker as the days pass by. I feel the meds are too strong and in the same time I try to hide it from my employer.
I feel you there, I wish was something I could say to comfortor help.
On my side, the meds take too much tolls.
