I have come to believe that my fear of hallucinations is like a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more my mind is plagued with the fear of hallucinations that startle or scare me, the more likely my mind will respond by creating them. Recently, it’s been very quiet, but reuniting with an old friend dredged up some PTSD-like stuff and fear from past experiences during the time that we originally met and were hanging out. I believe that if could just learn how to not be afraid anymore, I’d probably have less troubling hallucinations. If I believe that it’s going to be okay, it probably is.
I’m not in the same condition as I was during that period of time, but I have very intense bouts of fear due to traumatic memories. I have a problem with the fear of having a blackout while driving, and intrusions from my subconscious make it seem like it’s about to happen. I’m also afraid that deep down, I still truly hate myself, and will subconsciously do these things to myself to torture myself. I was having offensive intrusive thoughts that reminded me of a teasing bully, so that makes me afraid of me. As far as the blackout thing, one time when I quit taking my medication, things were so out of hand that it occurred to me that I could trigger a hallucinatory blackout. That was 5 years ago, and it’s still plaguing me.
While driving, I’m afraid that I’ll do that to myself, but remind myself that even if I do hate myself that much, I wouldn’t take other people’s lives in my hands.
Sometimes there is transference- instead of fearing hallucinations, I freak out feeling as though I’m in great danger and every car on the road is going to hit me. Even my voices have tried to reassure me that everything is ok, tell me I’m okay. I wish I could get rid of all the fears once and for all! I did overcome a phobia of ladders at work and a few other stupid phobias like stairs. One step, anyway.
It sound like you have a plan of action on getting out of this loop of fear.
I also get stuck in the loop.
I am afraid of relapse, and when I think about it in a catastrophic way… I’ve accidently triggered a panic attack… which brought on the hallucinations… I get so mad at myself for getting myself all worked up…
I also get freaked out when I feel like I’m being followed.
I’m glad your able to work on this. Congratulations on all this hard work
I don’t fear my hallucinations at all anymore. They come and they go. It’s just how my PTSD-tortured, genetically hard-wired, over-sensitive brain works. It’s going to do what it does whether “I” (meaning, my beliefs, ideals, values, rules, requirements, etc.) like it or not.
So now, it’s just a matter of sitting in the audience with my bag of popcorn and my Raisinets watching the movie. “I” am no longer a character in the movie that has to be swept away by the emotion-provoking script and what the other characters do.
I can observe to notice to recognize to acknowledge to accept to own to appreciate to understand my hallucinations as (just) hallucinations (albeit, usually after the fact and not during). As a result I can digest the emotions (they’re just chemicals anyway) and jump down off the screen and back into my seat.
Some of my hallucinations are pretty entertaining when they’re not taken so seriously that I go public with them and embarrass myself.
Yeah, I think I’m always a very fear-dominated person. I hate it. I wish I could buy myself a 3-wheeled motorcycle and cruise around, but I’m too afraid to do that. Lately I’ve had driving anxiety when I was fine just a short time ago. The past 6 days I’ve been plagued with such severe anxiety that it is controlling me. A few triggering factors such as psychological conflicts followed by a trip out of town… I hope this blows over soon, and I go back to my usual self. 4 days in a row on Ativan, it was so bad. Managed without it today, but it wasn’t easy. Haven’t driven anywhere yet, leave in 30 minutes. I hope that the s*** that’s going on with me subsides. Sometimes, I think it’s stupid, but I can’t help it.