Father and Son

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As most of you know, I’m completely off of my meds now…

I stopped in to see my almost 80 year old Dad last night. He was a madman in his prime and I’m the product of that. I was scared of my Dad growing up.

But today I think he blames himself for my schizophrenia. He just throws money at me and wishes he could just wave a wand and make me better.

But I still love him to pieces. He did the best he could to provide for us…5 kids and a stressful Executive job.

I told him last night…“Dad? As bad as it’s ever gotten for me, I’ve never wished I was anybody else but me. Thanks for instilling that in me.”

My avatar is Cat Stevens…

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Mine used to lay on my brother and I’s bedroom floor at night and sing this song. I don’t know. There’s a lot I can’t reconcile with that or make sense of. He’s still alive, not even that old and yet I feel I’m now and then mourning the man who sang us that song or who sat out in the dirt behind the old house and played with my matchbox cars with me.

I feel like everything anyone in my family has ever done wrong has been for some reason dumped on me and I don’t know why.

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As a consequence of my upbringing, I always tell my 11 year old twin daughters that I love them…and to always tell me anything that is bothering them…be it at school or outside of that.

I want them to know that when they have a mountain to climb, I’ll be right beside them all of the way.

I don’t want them to be scared of their Father like I was.

I guess each generation learns from the mistakes from the previous one.

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So how are you doing completely off meds? What symptoms do you have and how often?
What meds were you on that you’ve dropped?

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I wrote, sang and recorded this Lullaby when my girls were born. It was my promise to them as their Father…

http://picosong.com/ggVj

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I was on Latuda, but the side effects were too much…restless legs while sleeping…low libido…and more.

Now that I’m med free, I’m feeling half that I want to conquer the World, and half that I want to hang myself in the bathroom.

I’m determined to be my true self. I see my Pdoc in a week. I’d like to discuss alternative therapies as opposed to medication.

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What alternative therapies are you considering as possibilities?

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Have you tried all the other APs yet? I know they are different for different people. I still have a drive on latuda at least enough to masturbate and the propranolol keeps me from getting restless. But I tried Zyprexa and it was just horrible, my crotch actually went numb lol, was bad.

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I’m determined to be myself this time around…

I’m a fraud while medicated.

I’m just gonna follow my heart with this one…

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Have you thought about what effect going off your meds will have on your 80-year-old father and your daughters?

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I’m missing all of the subtleties and nuances of life while medicated…

When I’m drug free, I can taste and smell every slice that this world has to offer.

Something tells me my time might be up these days…

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So… I’ve been meaning to tell you this, because you believe we should be honest with each other.

I think it’s incredibly selfish of you to want to go unmedicated when you have daughters and a wife that worry about you. It’s not just you, and you know you can find a med that works for you.

You tried going off them in the past and it went incredibly bad, so why ruin what’s good? If it’s alright, don’t spoil it.

CBT isn’t helpful if you’re delusional, so forget psychotherapy. Only a few of us are lucky enough not to pass the line of completely delusional and time has proven you that you’re not one of the lucky ones that can go without meds.

Think about your kids, about your life with them, and think about if you want them to grow up with an unmedicated schizophrenic as a father.

I grew up with an unmedicated bipolar as a father and it was terrible for us. I know I know better than my father so I can be a better person.

I’m not comparing you to him, because he was not as good as a person or as a father as you are, but just saying that unmedicated MI is no piece of cake.

You’ll eventually be hospitalized again, they will suffer because of it, just because you have the belief you’re more like “yourself” unmedicated. Well, I have that belief also, and I also know that what I percieve as myself unmedicated is a mess of a person, and not healthy or trusthworthy because of that.

Think long and hard about this and consider your future.

There are consequences of having consequential psychotic breaks to your brain, but you don’t seem to care about that. You seem to care about your daughters, so think if thats the future you want for them.

What will they think of their father in the future? “He was a great father medicated. Completely bonkers unmedicated but he decided that way”

I’m just saying Patrick, it’s selfish.

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You’re a peach, @Minnii…

I guess I needed that!

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…but I’m not talking to chipmunks or frying bacon in the nude, yet…

I’m just gonna ride this one out till I see my Doc next week.

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Hey @Minnii…

Why don’t you go off of your meds as well, then together we could take on the world! Let’s do ‘Something Stupid’ together!

(just kidding) :wink:

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Just think it through while you can, it’s all I’m saying :slight_smile:

:heart:

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I’m almost back to my old self…almost! :wink:

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“I believe in meds at least for myself… I’m 5 for 5 in the crash department while off of them.”
–Patrick Oct 12

“In my case I just have a chemical or somethin in my brain that sends me off of the rails. The meds temper me down and allow me to function normally.”
–Patrick Nov 8

I went off of my meds 5 times, and 5 times I crashed. I’m resigned to the fact that I’m a ‘lifer’ on medication.
–Patrick, Nov 21

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Well, there’s always 6 for 6…that’s a possibility.

But I’m either gonna be me this time, or I’m outta this world. I’m not afraid of dying.

I think of death as the surprise at the bottom of the crackerjack box.

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I guess this is evolutions way of weeding out the weak. Wtf?

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