This is awful, Patrick, I can’t support it. Why would death be preferable to being there for your girls? I know how much you care about them. I am having a lot of trouble believing you honestly feel this way.
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You were doing so well on abilify, Latuda seems to have screwed you over.
You had side effects on abilify, so what. Get back on abilify.
Deal with the side effects rather than running from them. Diet/exercise to lose weight etc etc.
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I’m sick of the medication and side effects…
And no, I’m not about to ‘off’ myself. I’m going to talk to my Doc next week and see if we can find some common ground that doesn’t involve meds.
On some level though, I’d rather not exist than be a stoned-out med rat.
Just venting. I’m not going to do anything stupid.
Do you have any alternative therapies that you’re considering?
I feel like we’re going in circles here.
So, you’ll have your sixth relapse, you’ll go back on meds again, because deep down you know you need them.
Sounds like your making a tantrum out of this.
None of us want to be lab rats, and yet we prefer our sanity.
From what I have known of you, you don’t sound at your right mind right now.
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What dose of abilify were you on? Was it 15mg? Did you try 10mg?
I wish that I can do without meds, but I am sure that I’ll become manic and psychotic and end up in the hospital or shot by the cops.
Right now I could have a pituitary tumor but still choose to remain on the Risperdal.
My psychiatrist won’t let me stay off of meds - she would probably drop me as a patient if I choose to go off meds completely.
Good luck @Patrick
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This actually kind of reminds me of “Bi-Polar” by Assemblage 23. It’s a song I can relate to sometimes when I have been off meds or when I have been having a very rough time adjusting to a new one. Lyrics and video if you’re curious:
I haven’t felt so alive in years
The sun is shining down on me
My eyes are welling up with tears
Tears of joy, tears of ecstasy
Emotions I once kept concealed
Now flow freely like a river
Life’s great mysteries revealed
Love’s great promises delivered
I hate my life, I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don’t bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die
The landscape rises to meet my feet
The sky descends to fill my arms
For once I finally feel complete
For once I know I can’t be harmed
All I know is light and love
I feel that I could live forever
While others’ troubles seem to grow
I have no problems whatsoever
I hate my life, I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don’t bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die
The epiphany that came to fall
Finally helped me reconcile
What I felt wasn’t joy at all
All this time it was just denial
I hate my life, I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don’t bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die
You know what’s funny? When I saw the title of your post, Cat Stevens’ Matthew and Son came to my mind straight away (now I can’t get it out of my head). And then I saw inside your post was Cat Stevens! I had the wrong song though. Sorry.
I love my stepdad. I’m not a son though. but we talk about sport together. I’m not really allowed to go off my medicine, my Mum and my partner would worry too much, and them worrying translates to them pestering me 
I might listen to Cat Stevens today.
I believe that someone posted a study a few months ago that said each relapse damages the brain.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I don’t even notice side-effects anymore. I’ve been on resperidone for more than ten years. Before that I was on prolixen for twenty years. At first the side-effects on prolixen affected me by making be sluggish, and zombie-like, and a few other problems but in the last five years of taking prolixen I barely felt the side-effects. I guess my body has adjusted itself to the side-effects.