Fantasizing about writing the next great SZA novel

I’d start with my memories from before I was born. Then into my childhood. First voices, first episode. The time I spent in a swingers club living in Vegas. Each one of my grandmothers three cancers, my aunt. My love life. The “cult” when I lived in NY, and getting shut down. My drug use, the drinking. The episodes of psychosis. My journey through sobriety and mental health recovery.

It would be a spelling error, grammatically incorrect, rambling nightmare before editing, if I even edit it. I might keep it raw for authenticity.

Part of me thinks it would be therapeutic. I’m not there yet, but maybe in the future.

Would anyone read a story like that? Maybe.
Could it help me? Maybe
Could it help someone else? I hope so
Am I gonna end up on a best seller list? Probably not

But I think it’s something I’d be interested in doing

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do it do it do it, it would be cathartic

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I imagine if I picked a topic for the day, and if I spent half as much time writing as I do here, it would take me less than a year.

It would be smaller chapters. Mix of autobiography, musings, and self help.

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do you think you’re manic a little?

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Debatable. I’ve been Dx’d with MDD psychosis, psychosis NoS, SZ, and SZA.

Doctors can’t decide, but I agree closest with SZA depressive types. And I believe that’s my current Dx. But I haven’t asked in like 6months.

I try to concern myself more with the medications efficacy than the Dx anymore

Don’t think so, this has been on my mind for a while. And I’ve talked and thought about it off and on for years.

Sleep is about 8-10 hours a night.

I just think I’ve been feeling clearer headed on abilify. Everything is getting easier

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I was also diagnosed MDD with psychotic features first then they changed it. Weird huh?

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that’s great, I’m getting about 5-7 hours of sleep a night. But i’m definitely not manic.

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Cheers! It didn’t last long for me, soon as my mood stabilized and I was still getting voices, they scrapped the idea

oh is that the criteria? Yea, I always had voices until I got on an ap.

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well voice, I thought he was my id

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Fully clear up your voices?

I’m on risperidone 3mg and abilify 10mg, and I’ve still got whispers occasionally.

oopphh, thinking you Id is literally vocalizing with you must of been hard. What does that make your rational mind? Ego? What about the super ego?

Sorry for the questions, you piqued my interest

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My mind is pretty quiet now. Of course I get tired and fatigued and I’ll get whispers and sometimes every once in awhile even though I don’t hear him I know what he’s thinking, and since he’s so negative putting me down all the time it can be a downer. But for the most part it’s good. I try to remember what is was like and I struggle thinking was any of it real or did I just imagine it. I never thought about the super ego and the ego I thought was just my regular thoughts.

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I’m very happy your mind is quiet now!

I know how bad it hurts when you believe your own mind shredding your self esteem.

They picked on me for years. I thought I was psychic, and that I was hearing dead spirits, jealous that I was alive, so they had to pull me down. And that’s not to mention the angels telling me I’m chosen.

Meta analysis would be they were my superego and Id running wild, if we’re using that system.

I’m so glad we’re both feeling better. Life is easier when someone isn’t always picking on us!

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Yes it is better not to be picked on. Did you ever have any helpful voices or any that felt like company?

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In times of great distress, and times of grandeur. Three voices, angels, they try to help me, given me tips on how to live and sometimes give me suggestions for nice things to do for people.

Problem with them is they swing the other way, try to lift me up too high. They start with comfort, but slowly turn into telling me I’m chosen, when I die I’ll become an angel, bodhisattva, cut from the same cloth as a historical biblical figure, etc etc.

I have to be careful of them too.

I find it’s best to just ignore them all as best as I can, least they influence me

What about you?

I had a group of little kids that would all start cheering and getting excited when something good was happening, that felt good and I had some women that seemed more like company and a little less judgey. But for the most part, now that I’m used to the quiet I like it a lot better. I feel more sane.

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I’m always fascinated on how this illness manifest in individuals, and always happy to hear of recovery!

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@jukebox did this. I bought his book. It was good. I think you should, too. Even if you decide to never sell it, it is therapeutic to write things down. Helps to process them.

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That’s what I’m thinking. It’ll help me to process a lot of the more intense areas.

Thanks for the support ninja!

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