Schizophrenia.com

Ex-girlfriend

#1

So my ex from my prodromal phase and psychotic break at 18 contacted me three months ago. We’ve talked, and we’re going to get a coffee on saturday, she seems very enthusiastic and I still feel like I have feelings for her, she was the only girl I really opened up to, Ive dated plenty of people and had screw buddies but all of that was just shallow and didnt mean anything to me.

Is this stupid or is this a good idea? She blamed herself for our breakup but I blamed myself for being crazy and not even wanting to kiss her out of paranoia. She wrote a paragraph of how sorry she was and messaged me a few months ago, that got us back in touch, but I told her it was not her fault and that I was absolutely crazy and obviously I was the one to blame.

So what I mean is, she is a really sweet girl who knows all about my condition, she watched me get progressively crazier while we were dating. She also has heard about my recovery and how I am making better grades than ever and am a competitive lifter and all of that narcissistic crap.

Is this a good idea? I mean I miss her, I can tell you that. I hear about people who break up and get back together multiple times and I figure that this is unique for me because I had a “medical withdrawal” from being human and was batshit crazy and that’s why she dumped me, but now I am healthy again…

Its sort of strange, I told her that I feel like a different person now and she seemed OK with when I said that. I mean I am basically more mature, I was an arrogant brat before my onset (I had some trauma and a history of lesser psych problems but was deviant and arrogant back then) and now I have been to hell and somehow came back to a healthy life, it feels surreal most mornings, like right now, when I wake up after sleeping well and am not hearing, thinking or seeing anything unusual.

My therapist and my uncle have said that I have the psyche of someone a decade older, and my evaluator said that my psyche looks awfully similar on paper to a combat veteran’s. He made me leave the room to explain to my parents that I experienced some sort of severe trauma and what that does to a young man’s psyche. He took the trauma the most seriously, he didnt even blink at my schizophrenia or deviant behaviors, he sees that ■■■■ all of the time.

What I mean is, I quit being an arrogant little ■■■■ and became a man.

I do continue to nurture and tame my aggressive side, powerlifting is some serious and dangerous ■■■■, if a normal person were to do one of our workouts with the same weights in proportion to their body weight, they would break their spine. That is all that remains of my deviant side, that and the 15 cigarettes I smoke a day, thats also deviant. But I am constructive and keep the mentality that weightlifting is constructive, now that I am on an organized team it is also social, its where I belong at 430pm Monday, Weds, Fri and Saturday.

Not many people go THROUGH what I entered at 18 years old and come out relieved of symptoms and highly functioning at 21…but It’s all a memory to me now, aside from these once in a while relapses which last for half a day, I am practically cured, right now I wouldnt know that I have schizophrenia if I had amnesia but took my meds.

I dunno, this makes me examine myself. I do like her, I think she still likes me or she wouldnt have contacted me and responded enthusiastically to see me again. Or maybe she just feels sorry for me.

I dont know. I dont know if she see’s the straight-A student and competitive weightlifter and wants to see him, but she knows all about my condition too, so unlike all of the other people I have dated, she knows about both sides of me. I am probably thinking way too much. I need to shut up and eat breakfast.

But whatever, is getting back with an Ex a bad idea?

#2

Well, what’s the harm in coffee with an old friend who knew you then and would like to get to know you now?

Even if it doesn’t turn into the great rekindling, then you know that chapter is closed. If it all does rekindle, you have someone who likes you for you.

The fact that she’s still willing to call after the break up and keeping an open mind is 100% more then others might do. If she’s willing to let the past stay in the past, that’s pretty mature.

There is NOTHING wrong with having another person on your side right? If she was a stalking manic jealous ex I’d say “run away” But she sounds nice. That is pretty lucky that she’s open to regaining contact.

Also, I don’t think she feels sorry for you. I bet she’d like to meet the new you.

2 Likes
#3

thanks James. Yeah Im not counting on this meaning we’re gonna get back together, it’s just a coffee…but she does respond enthusiastically and seems interested, more interested than other people ive dated, save for some creeper guys and that nymphomaniac I ended up being screw buddies with. Ugh she was scary…so glad I got away from her. She just wanted me to be on call for booty calls and not have any emotional bond with her. Not healthy!

But just being friends is fine, I would like that too.

It’s just I am such a different person…she said I was really sweet and that I was obviously troubled back then, she said she remembered me saying that something was wrong with me but I didnt know what and didnt say anything more than that.

I was psychotic and thought that my symptoms were real. It’s a wonder I kept it together at all, looking back. I think my ego (which was beyond strong and into blindly arrogant) was keeping me from giving in.

But just to illustrate my plunge into crazy at the time, two of my good buddies came over in concern, they wanted to know what was wrong with me and asked me what I was thinking, and after a rant about the people bugging my car and bedroom and tapping my phone and laptop, I went inside to get my cigarettes and I heard Nick say “it’s schizophrenia” as I closed the door. That was no hallucination, Nick is very intelligent and I was obviously schizophrenic.

I really was just ■■■■■■ up big time when I was dating her. Makes me feel guilty. At times I thought she was just a volunteer to date me to keep an eye on me and report in on my behaviors…that would cross my mind for a while when I was spending time with her. I wasnt dead set on that delusion but it was recurring- I still felt an emotional connection with her, half of the time I trusted her and opened up to her, my therapist says I did all of the right things in a relationship, be vulnerable, feel safe about it, be honest, I did all of that half of the time. The other half of the time I was too caught up in the head circus.

I mean I was ■■■■■■■ bonkers back then.

#4

I think that all you have to ask yourself is “what have I got to lose?” If you think she wants something from you you don’t want to give, that’s something you stand to lose. However this doesn’t sound like that to me. Sounds like she just misses you.
Just think about why you broke up. Was it for a good reason?

#5

We broke up for a very good reason- I was psychotic.

I don’t have anything to lose, you’re right.