So my ex from my prodromal phase and psychotic break at 18 contacted me three months ago. We’ve talked, and we’re going to get a coffee on saturday, she seems very enthusiastic and I still feel like I have feelings for her, she was the only girl I really opened up to, Ive dated plenty of people and had screw buddies but all of that was just shallow and didnt mean anything to me.
Is this stupid or is this a good idea? She blamed herself for our breakup but I blamed myself for being crazy and not even wanting to kiss her out of paranoia. She wrote a paragraph of how sorry she was and messaged me a few months ago, that got us back in touch, but I told her it was not her fault and that I was absolutely crazy and obviously I was the one to blame.
So what I mean is, she is a really sweet girl who knows all about my condition, she watched me get progressively crazier while we were dating. She also has heard about my recovery and how I am making better grades than ever and am a competitive lifter and all of that narcissistic crap.
Is this a good idea? I mean I miss her, I can tell you that. I hear about people who break up and get back together multiple times and I figure that this is unique for me because I had a “medical withdrawal” from being human and was batshit crazy and that’s why she dumped me, but now I am healthy again…
Its sort of strange, I told her that I feel like a different person now and she seemed OK with when I said that. I mean I am basically more mature, I was an arrogant brat before my onset (I had some trauma and a history of lesser psych problems but was deviant and arrogant back then) and now I have been to hell and somehow came back to a healthy life, it feels surreal most mornings, like right now, when I wake up after sleeping well and am not hearing, thinking or seeing anything unusual.
My therapist and my uncle have said that I have the psyche of someone a decade older, and my evaluator said that my psyche looks awfully similar on paper to a combat veteran’s. He made me leave the room to explain to my parents that I experienced some sort of severe trauma and what that does to a young man’s psyche. He took the trauma the most seriously, he didnt even blink at my schizophrenia or deviant behaviors, he sees that ■■■■ all of the time.
What I mean is, I quit being an arrogant little ■■■■ and became a man.
I do continue to nurture and tame my aggressive side, powerlifting is some serious and dangerous ■■■■, if a normal person were to do one of our workouts with the same weights in proportion to their body weight, they would break their spine. That is all that remains of my deviant side, that and the 15 cigarettes I smoke a day, thats also deviant. But I am constructive and keep the mentality that weightlifting is constructive, now that I am on an organized team it is also social, its where I belong at 430pm Monday, Weds, Fri and Saturday.
Not many people go THROUGH what I entered at 18 years old and come out relieved of symptoms and highly functioning at 21…but It’s all a memory to me now, aside from these once in a while relapses which last for half a day, I am practically cured, right now I wouldnt know that I have schizophrenia if I had amnesia but took my meds.
I dunno, this makes me examine myself. I do like her, I think she still likes me or she wouldnt have contacted me and responded enthusiastically to see me again. Or maybe she just feels sorry for me.
I dont know. I dont know if she see’s the straight-A student and competitive weightlifter and wants to see him, but she knows all about my condition too, so unlike all of the other people I have dated, she knows about both sides of me. I am probably thinking way too much. I need to shut up and eat breakfast.
But whatever, is getting back with an Ex a bad idea?