I spent another sleepless night again. I do it every 4 days, something like that… I watch the people on the tv etc and I cant stop thinking that ill never do it. I think so much that I have headaches after this and I get stiffed in my muscles, tensed. I guess I fight against it. yeah, it got tougher since I live so much isolated since 20 years. really. its too many years. I dont have nothing in the life. sometimes its the fear, sometimes its the depression, sometimes its just the tiredness of this illness… I am not sure ill be better one day because of all this. but I want it so much for god sake…
my mother says that I dont fight enough. is it so rare for a schizophrenic to live so isolated since years? am I from the ‘‘so’’ rares cases? its hard to hear that some succeed to fight better, to be stronger… I try to accept the illness but I cant handle the pain. plus, if I spent every day in front of the tv for 12 hours its notrmal to get even crazier, isn’t it? i am tired now. i wish my meds worked better. maybe they will one day… ■■■■, i hate myself now for everything… but whatever, i was ill even as child from my memories, that’s all…