I hate living two different lives. It feels so strange and means I have to keep a lot of secrets. But at the same time it’s so necessary.
Today my brother was talking about one of his friends who had anxiety issues that were so bad she had to be taken out of school. My mom’s response to that was “why do you guys always make friends with those types of people.”
Really mom? Really? Because maybe we have the ability to see past the illness and like the person? She says this because I have also had many friends who struggled with mental disorders. By the way she talks about people with issues like that it just makes me even more self-conscious and scared she’d find out about my diagnoses.
She made it impossible for me to get help when I was younger, would just always tell me about how I wasn’t really ill, and I was a hypochondriac, or that her life was more stressful than mine so if she could handle it I should be fine. Thank god for being 18 and just being able to reach out on my own away from prying eyes.
I’m just sad. I’m picturing what would happen if somehow she found out about me. She wouldn’t believe any of it. She’d probably tell the doctor or whoever was working with me that I was lying, or that I was a hypochondriac. She doesn’t know anything I go through because I don’t tell her because of how judgemental she is. I couldn’t even share basic issues with anxiety and depression with her back then. When I was very young and would tell her about the things my psychosis made me experience and how I was always scared she would basically just tell me to get over it, it wasn’t real.
I wish I had parents who I could talk to about this stuff.
I feel for you, very difficult to deal with loved ones without being able to inform them of our own experience, bitter experience. Irrational to them and real to us. That’s why I really hope there will be judgment day and God will bestow upon us the grace of being honest and believed and felt for one day. But until that day comes, we need to struggle on our own and make our own choices to make a life worth living. Good luck and don’t get bothered with your mama that’s how normal people are typically are about mental illness. So unless one is mentally ill or involved in mental treatment you will not find compassion. Stay safe
That’s tragic Anna. I’m sure your mother talking bad about mentally ill people in front of you dramatically increases your anxiety. It’s sad that she is so judgmental and lacks empathy. Growing up in such an unhealthy stressful environment likely contributed in the development of your mental illness.
Does your brother also have any diagnosed conditions?
It’s just so ridiculous sometimes. People will be like “Why do you believe that? That’s crazy!”
And it’s like oh sure, because if you experienced everything someone with a psychotic disorder did, YOU would be perfectly rational throughout the whole thing and maintain perfect awareness. Ok.
But yeah, you’re right. Thanks. It just hurts. My mom used to be my idol.
Well I don’t know if I’d say it contributed to my illness, but it didn’t help it any.
My brothers don’t have any diagnosed mental conditions because like I said my parents don’t accept mental illness, see the mental health field as stupid. My mom sees the mentally ill as raving lunatics who have to be locked up forever, or as homeless people on the street, she doesn’t see them as normal people who just have different problems than everyone else.
When I told her I thought I should see someone (I was suicidal at the time though I didn’t mention this to her) she told me all they would do was give me a label and I would be rejected from jobs and not make friends my whole life. Also that they would put me on medication and I’d become addicted like my grandma.
She’s even the kind of person who thinks doctors don’t know anything. When my brother threw out his back she didn’t take him in for ages because the doctors “didn’t know what they were doing” and she tried to fix it herself. Later when me and my dad forced her to take him in we found out he had developed acute scoliosis. Nice.
I wish my family would be more open and accepting of mental illness also because then I would know our family history. If me and my brother have these weird issues, there has to be someone who passed them on…who knows who…
My parents were very judgmental towards mentally ill people also. They were against long term use of any medication and saw medicating for mental illness as weak. I inherited this attitude and because of this i resisted getting help for a long time. And when I finally was forced to get help, i refused to take my meds most of the time. This created unnecessary pain and suffering that could of been prevented if I would of sought treatment sooner and stuck with my medications.
I don’t like alcohol, the taste or the way it makes me feel.
I just lie in bed most of the day. I would say probably 70-80 percent of my day is normally spent in bed.
I guess maybe I’m different because I’ve just always been going through this since forever. If it was all a sudden thing I think it’d be way more traumatic. Who knows. I don’t know anything different.
Of dozens of sz pts I have known, the majority had at least one critical, judgmental, “authoritarian” parent (see http://www.devpsy.org/teaching/parent/baumrind_styles.html, though two additional parenting styles are now recognized). The next biggest group seemed to have a parent or parents with “confusing” parenting styles; typically a whipsaw between neglectful or nurturing and authoritarian. Parenting styles may not, however, be consistent throughout a child’s life, and definitely are not the sole factor in the development of sz.
Yes this is some kind of abuse for sure my mom have hard time with this also I think after the 11th hospital stay she start to understand better from the doctors explain what she not understand but yea that saying my life is more stressful then yours you shouldn’t have any problems is just garbage I don’t see how anyone can say that kind of stuff really… So her life doesn’t = my life if you think this then you have problems. So reaching out for other support would be what you can do at that point.
Which fits what we usually see in the families of sz pts. Far more often – though not always – an “invasive,” “boundary-ignoring,” “critical,” “judgmental,” “rescuing,” “controlling” parent (or parents, but usually one vs. both) than parents who are neglectful or abandoning.
Again, it’s important for those who may read this to understand that 1) this is not universally the case (it’s just what is seen a lot), and 2) slipping into any obsession with resentful blaming – beyond observing, noticing, recognizing, acknowledging, accepting and owing any whatever feelings one may have about it – is almost always counterproductive for the pt.
My point in bringing the matter up is simply to help pts understand themselves better and move through whatever comes up about that understanding. So doing was so helpful for me, and I’ve seen it be helpful for many, many others.
That’s not anxiety. That’s depression. There is a major difference. No one should diagnose themselves. Especially if everyone around you that knows you says there is nothing wrong with you.
Did I ever say that I diagnosed myself? I’ve been to two different psychiatrists who both confirmed I had a psychotic and anxiety disorder. They also mentioned I had symptoms of depression but we discussed it and decided it was most likely being caused by my other disorders.
Your doubts about me seem to be based on quite a lot of assumption.
kind of in the same boat as you, I’m the only one in my family that has mental illness and i haven’t told anyone but i think i could tell my parents, although i don’t plan on it.
i imagine it must be really f*cking tough for you, especially as your mum is ignorant on mental health.
all i can say is don’t look forward…look through!