Meltdown today (tw)

I had a psychotic episode after making a mistake and I unintentionally scared my dog. Now he doesn’t want to be near me.

Well I guess no one wants me around, even my dog. I thought my dog was on my side. Now he doesn’t want to be near by me.

I guess I make people hate me.

Also my mom said that she wants to see me express anger “like a normal person”. She said it makes her have self-esteem issues when she sees me having a psychotic episode. She said she didn’t raise me for me to be like this.

So this is why I don’t show my symptoms to anyone else because they just want me to be “normal”. I can’t control my psychotic episodes. And when I get yelled at for having one, I feel like a failure itself.

I wish I lived alone by myself and I want to die alone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone where I can express anger and have symptoms without having someone judging me.

Im sure your dog Will like you again.
Anger, are you angry?

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I’m angry at myself really.

I’m having a surgery soon and I wish that I went under anesthesia and never wake up.

I’ll tell you what I’m going through. I slept 6 hours last night and woke way before dawn here. I thought about the abuse I experienced in the past 30 years and felt angry and resentful. I beat my voices but I once had the realization the voices were me, my conscious mind! I am a very stupid god. I just want to go back to sleep for the rest of the day.

I’m sorry you experienced that.

I’m glad, however, that you don’t have parents that have self esteem issues because of you or want you to behave like everyone else.

I thought I could talk about my symptoms to my mom. Of course I was mistaken.

I’ll never trust my parents with my mental illness.

My mom says ‘why do you always hide everything?’

Well it’s because you don’t want to see them. You just want me to act normal like everyone else.

How old are you laetitia?

I got sick at 30, but part of my sz roots can be traced back to early interactions with my parents.

However, the hypothesis that parents are somehow responsible for their children developing sz has been mostly dismissed.

More probably it’s our perception of the world that starts getting twisted early on, and parents being important to us as we grow and become self aware, our mental image of them becomes warped too.

That might explain why us sz sufferers have complicated relationships with our parents.

I’ve worked hard on overcoming my perception issues and it has reflected positively on my mental wellbeing.

I’m not saying parents are innocent. They often abuse us emotionally, sometimes even physically, as we grow. But with the exception of few unfortunate cases, such abuse is not part of an evil plan to destroy us. It’s simply an effect of their limitations as human beings.

I hope you and your mom can overcome whatever stands in the way of a good relationship. And your dog will surely accept you again.

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I understand their limitations but it makes me realize what a failure I am compared to their greatness.

No matter how hard I try, I could never match up to their expectations and that makes me so sad.

Honestly I just feel broken because I’m constantly worried that my grades won’t be good enough. Even getting 3.8 in GPA was not good enough for them.

As a firstborn, I’m failing against every expectation they hold of me.

I want to be a good daughter but I feel like I’m miserably failing. They tried so hard to raise me well but I failed that by developing a mental illness. I’m just incredibly sad that I’ll never be good enough.

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I had a psychotic episode today, too. It spread across three different threads, but I’m back now. I just feel like I look too far into things. I didn’t tell my mom about it because i didn’t want her to get upset like yours did. She isn’t very understanding of my illness and acts like I can control what I think. I’m just trying to make sense out of everything I’ve seen and having seen some weird stuff, my brain makes all kinds of connections trying to make it make sense.

Gosh @Andrey the extent of your insight is astounding. I would have trouble putting into words what you did but that about sums it up. In my early psychosis i felt the twisted perceptions of my parents. And i can now see it was just the illness doing more damage to people around me. Relationships and myself. As i aged it changed and having come to understand some things about life and death and what it means to be human and on this planet … In this thing called life. It changed me. And i suffered a lot and worked through and let a lot of things go. And life isnt empty but its more peaceful you could say.

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The dog will forgive you. My sisters dog was really sweet and I used to keep her at my house for 3 or 4 days at a time while my sister traveled. My downstairs neighbor at the time was always making noise and I used to stomp on the floor to quiet her down. One time I had my sisters dog Annie staying with me and I got pissed off and stomped on the floor and scared poor Annie. She was a little scared of me for awhile but she got over it and eventually she came up to me like nothing had happened.

Yeah, anger is a tough one. My problem was I didn’t get angry enough. I worked unloading trucks for four years and the other guys on the crew would give me a hard time and I didn’t get mad. They would always ask, “Why don’t you get mad? You should get mad.” My sisters would tell me the same thing. Now I get mad at things and people. A lot of times people will push you, and if you don’t get mad, they keep pushing you. I find a little anger gets people to let you alone. I have to watch that I don’t get mad at everything. But I get mad at many things.

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I feel you. I used to be the same way. I’m also the firstborn, and only child they have. Their expectations of me have always been high, especially my mom, and both of them have been critical of many of my early life choices. Trying to live up to their standards has taken its toll on my mental balance.

But it’s not our fault we got sick. And it’s not their fault either. Everyone should now adjust their expectations to the current situation, which is not ideal of course, but it’s a must.

A 3.8 GPA is awesome. Kudos to you. My grades were very good in high school, but later (in college) they dropped significantly, as I was battling undiagnosed depression, yet my parents kept saying I’d disappointed them and other negative things that made me sad. With time, however, I’ve bounced back, and even after coming down with sz I’ve managed to work again.

So everything is now water under the bridge. My parents have noticed my efforts to overcome the limitations of this illness and they totally support me, whatever I set my mind to do. They make sure I take my meds and they encourage me to take my own decisions. I’m sure they regret some of the things they said to me in the past, but I haven’t always been an angel either. We get along well.

My dog is a rescue so he also has trauma issues, so loud noise is a big trigger for my dog.

He’s okay now. Gave me morning kisses when I woke up.

I get angry but I just suppress them. I’m trying to make myself emotionless except happiness. Because it would break my parents’ heart (or anyone’s heart) if I get angry in front of them, so I just suffer in silence and just not say anything.

I feel like it’s totally my fault. Someone told me that “when I was young, there were no suicides. But all the young people are committing suicide. They must have weak mentality.”

And I’ve worked for years as a translator, achieve great accomplishments etc. And a 3.8GPA out of 4.5…which is meh. But to be honest, that doesn’t make me great, really.

I make my parents and everyone else so tired all the time. I hurt a lot of people. I burden a lot of people wherever I go with my mental and physical illnesses. Everyone always walks on eggshells around me because I’m disabled. And I have no friends because no one wants to be friends with me (it’s not like I’m a desirable person anyway, and I’m sure they’ll all leave once they realize I have psychosis). Basically everyone has left me, and it’s always been that way. It’s been like that for 30 years.

I just don’t want to hurt anyone. For years, I’ve worked on “perfecting” my emotions, i.e. not showing any “negative” emotions. My goal is to become completely emotionless other than showing happiness. And when I had a psychotic episode, I failed at hiding myself. I exposed myself. I made my mom angry and didn’t meet her expectations. When I become angry, it offends people.

I don’t know, maybe I’ll perfect not showing emotions somehow but I’m trying my best to act as normal as I can…I fail sometimes but I hope I’ll be a kind person and a generous person that offers help first and foremost, and care about others before I care about myself.

There, you said it yourself. You were angry, your mom was angry. You offended each other, basically, which is normal, people do that all the time. You should always look at ways to overcome these temporary hiccups and work towards mutual understanding. Ask yourself “how can I support mom” and “how can she support me” then have an honest discussion with her about these things. We can’t always stay calm, that’s for sure. I’m a very calm person but even I sometimes lose my temper and it comes as a shock for those around me, because they are used to me being calm. You can’t suppress negative emotions, they exist for a reason and must be allowed to express one way or another. Some people are born with creative genius, they channel all energies towards composing music or writing or dancing etc. You need to vent. You are being way too hard on yourself, Laetitia !!