I can’t kill myself. That’s obviously not an option. When it boils down to it I’m just not capable. I can’t even hurt a mosquito. Just the thought of wounding myself fills me with dread and sadness.
And I always have to hide and push and pretend to be normal. I face criticism for trying to improve my situation. And consequences for trying to improve my situation, like how I’ll probably have to go out of state to get my nursing license to one that doesn’t call out psychotic people specifically. Always having to hide…
I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the same old patterns repeating themselves, making some big change expecting to see a big change and then everything going back to how it was. Every day I pray to God asking me why does he keep me alive, can’t he just let something kill me. I don’t want to be here. Just let me get hit by a car or something, something really quick. I don’t know. I see no solution, get it? There’s no solution for me.
I’m a burden and a money pit to my parents. I’m a spoiled brat who’s pathetic and can’t even take care of myself. I’m of no benefit to anyone. I can barely keep my eyes open during the day. Why is someone like me kept alive…
What are you talking about?
You are very much valued and wanted alive.
I feel down most of the time too. But it is everchanging. Tomorrow you wake up feeling better. Everyday it changes. Life changes so be confident in what you want and your dreams.
Sorry anna bad things are happening but life goes on and you will move on to better different things
I know it’s hard feeling like a burden. I told my psychologist about how I feel like a burden and my memory is fuzzy but I think he basically said something along the lines you can contribute value even in the way you treat other people. Like he pointed out that just being kind of loving towards your family or anyone for that matter is of value. If you try to be good to others and be there for them it matters. I visit suicide watch on Reddit often and there are so many people in life that want to kill themselves because they have no one in their lives that love them or care about them or at least they feel that way and want to end it because of that. Being there for someone else when you can can literally make you a lifesaver. I’m also a spoiled brat that takes up a lot of money and can’t take care of them self, and I feel pretty pathetic too. But you’re trying to become more independent right? Personally I’m too scared of driving to just drive myself new places and need my parents to drive with me to go new places. I tell myself that I’ll eventually become independent and live at home and get a job and work until I can pay back my mountain of student debt that I owe my dad and the government. I’m sorry about your state requiring that your diagnosis be visible to everyone. I don’t think I would have what it takes to move to a new state away from my parents to get a job.
You don’t sound totally cool with the medications yet! Tell all this to your psydoc…you may need some antidpressants and stuff. You seem to fluctuate between happy and sad and that isn’t normal…talk to your doc!
It may be little things like adding an ssri …it may need some other tinkering with your antipyschotic…early days yet!
I’m more fluctuating between feeling nothingness and feeling terrible.
My pdoc seemed to be in denial. I told him I was having issues but he just said I seemed much more stable and didn’t change my dose. It’s true I am better than I was but this is still not good enough for me.
My parents are completely clueless to how incredibly difficult it is for me just to barely function as a person day to day and it’s becoming extremely frustrating to me. They make me feel guilty and stupid.
Yeah it’s a tough cop…it really takes months…so hang in there…It’s hard to keep in touch when you see a shrink in a month or so…It’s important to speak up. If your not happy then ask then why your not doing so well in between times. It makes a difference. It’s not good being down when you dont’ see shrink for a month!
It is hard but we all go through it…narrow down your focus and concentrate on what you can improve…and what ails you when it comes to symptoms…it’s a broken system but we all need to navigate it!