I’ve been drawing myself doing bad stuff to myself, like harming myself or attempting suicide.
It makes me feel a little better. And the more I do it, the more I become depressed.
But it also reaffirms my sadness.
I don’t feel joy in anything. I feel sad all the time, and I am traumatized every day.
I don’t want to cry because I know it will worry my parents. I want to keep their emotions at bay.
But in return I basically die inside. I’ve traded my mental health for the peace of my parents and my brother. For everybody.
I just wish hell didn’t exist and I wish my parents wouldn’t get sad. Then I could just throw myself off and be done with myself. No matter how much I call the crisis centre they don’t respond or respond in the most unsympathetic way. My parents think my psychosis is “weakness”. So I just keep it to myself and hopefully I’ll forget it the next morning…
Here’s the thing- I tried to tell my pdoc that I was suicidal. She told me that I had willpower. Then she sent me off my way.
If I was in Canada, I would have went to the hospital. But unfortunately the system doesn’t work that here, and usually how people end up in hospital is when they have a really bad psychotic episode or they attempt suicide.
I waste their resources and they have to pay for my medical fees and such.
Plus my mom has to take care of me 24/7 and she doesn’t want to go hang out with friends because she’s worried about me all the time. Basically I’ve ruined her life.
To me that says they love you and want you to be as healthy and happy as possible, i doubt they think you ruined their lives at all. I do absolutely understanding where you’re coming from but I think it’s a distorted way of seeing their love.
You are not responsible for their feelings. I want to affirm that. Their worrying shows love but it’s also on them to deal with that worry in a healthy way.
seems they’d want to try and prevent a suicide attempt
I wish I had more options but in the US it’s pretty easy to get admitted.