Sometimes I find I try to do too much at once then I get hit with a wave of 0 energy an motivation and completely shut down.
I am having this trouble at work. Not sure if I will keep my job as a result. I had been fairly stable for the last 18 months, but that’s not been the case recently. I might have to tell them the truth and see what happens, as I am starting to make mistakes now.
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I’m having a tough time taking care of my sick wife these days and sometimes I just have to lay myself down and rest, not caring if I go to sleep or even when I will wake up. Getting some rest, and/or recreation, is the only thing that helps me right now
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I feel I have put too much on myself to work on my own personal writing. I want oh so much to become a published author, but the thought of failing fills me with fear so I put the book I’m working onto the side then I think well I should keep practicing anyway, and I get overwhelmed with all the choices I have to make, like finding a plot, creating outlines, creating believable characters,doing research to make sure my books are sound and realistic…I get so overwhelmed I just shut down ignore it all. Then I get mad at myself because I’m not further along than I feel I should be.
But not only is there the fear of failing, but those annoying negative voices telling me I suck and am not smart enough to pull off writing stories for a living. And when I give into them and don’t write they pick on me saying I’m being lazy and I need to write…it’s never ending circle. The only problem is, it’s a circle I don’t have to be in…writing is supposed to be my release therapy…not causing my problems.
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Sometimes doing everyday things my brain locks up so I have to repeat stuff.
I am in the same situation. Since I had my big psycho break late in life and I had gone to college and worked steadily for over 25 years, when I was incapable of working due to psychosis and for awhile physically disabled due to bad drug allergy it was a huge loss in many ways. So when I found medications that reduced the paranoid delusions and hallucinations and kept passing for “normal” since my social skills were just a little below average, I signed up for vocational rehabilitation. Mentally, I lost 15 IQ points and had problems processing some memory functions so I could not go back to the fast paced world I used to work in. But I found that I could still do basic physical functions like cleaning even while hearing voices. I knew I couldn’t handle the pressure of working with the public in retail or fast food like I did when I was young and strong. I did qualify for SSDI and that saved me from homelessness. So I applied to clean for other disabled people. Been working part time for almost two years. It was an ideal job because I was only working on my own with one person at a time and no coworkers with me on the job sites until shift changes so didn’t have to deal much with stress of office politics or micro managing supervisors. If my brain acted up and my socializing was limited then clients just thought I was quiet because I was busy cleaning, which was true. And shifts would usually be 2 to 4 hours so I could suppress anxiety issues with any clients until after the shift was over. Then I would be completely drained and go home and hide in bed. No complaints from any clients since I worked hard and treated them with kindness and respect even if they took their frustrations out on me. It helped that I had probably 15 years of cognitive behavioral therapy for depression and stress issues. I had always felt not quite normal with what I now know are negative symptoms before the big psychosis hit. Anyway another reason I just joined the forum was to see if others had issues while trying to work. I did disclose to my boss that I have schizophrenia and it turns out she used to work in the psyche ward at the same hospital I was diagnosed and treated at several times. Did I get lucky or blessed or what? I know I am high functioning but since she has been increasing my hours due to others quitting and cannot let my disabled clients down, the psychosis is coming back. I am making more and more memory mistakes and paperwork mistakes. The voices which had gotten quiet at night are now sporadically waking me up. And now I am hearing them loud in the daytime, but not nonstop yet. If I relapse I will not be able to function quickly because I can’t ignore the loud voices. I guess I will have to tell my boss that even though I seem pretty high functioning, things are unraveling. Thanks for reading. I know you are going through the same thing. I am scared to tell you to trust your boss with this information but your health does have to come first or you can’t work at all. I guess go with your instincts on how understanding your boss would be. I am really grateful that I can work at all and hate even complaining when others would love to have that opportunity. That is the problem. I want to push myself despite mental issues and feel I should not give up trying to help people. I guess I will sleep on it, if I can. Sorry for problems people are having here.
I’m a writer too but haven’t had anything published in book form, although I really want to one day. I get the same negative inner critic saying I’m not good enough. But a lot of writers struggle with their inner critic, so we certainly aren’t alone.
i hope your wife is feeling better soon.
take care 
I dont try not to do much at all. But my family has me doing so much, to much, and many things at the same time
I call it good stress, but it feels like it is just to much at times, but at least it is good stress and not to bad stress or to much bad stress…
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I’m doing too much right now, taking care ofmy husband while he detoxes again. His Dr appointment seems so far away…but it’s this Wed.
Thanks for posting, I am glad you have managed to keep working. Until recently it distracted me from myself quite a lot, and after being unemployed for a while it was a goal I had set myself. The trouble is as you say the unravelling. I have good and bad days, so it’s difficult because it’s not a stable thing I can go to the doctor and discuss. The thing that bothers me is that I have gone a whole year with only two times having to take time off because the stress got too much. But now it’s so hard to concentrate and I am making a fool out of myself sometimes. Like the other day, I was told something to write on a flip chart by my manager, and I blanked on him and had to ask three times to repeat himself in front of like 10 people including a client for something really simple - I am really self-conscious of these things now. I had to tell him afterwards driving home that I had sz, but he did start a conversation saying his parents both had mental illness, and I felt that I had to tell him so he didn’t think I was not paying attention to his instructions on purpose. I hope I made the right decision? He said he wouldn’t tell anyone else and he seems like a nice guy. Most of the time I can do as you do and almost separate myself from others and just get on with work, it’s just every month I am expected to go to team meetings where I completely mess up. I even had a few of them a few months back saying oh you must be on drugs and stuff like that, which upset me a bit, as I have been clean for over five years now. I don’t know. I just need to try and concentrate on work and ignore myself, it’s got me through this far. It’s just so hard to stare at a computer screen all day when I have this whole communication network going on inside of my head with images of these people. It’s just like the last time I started getting sick, where I have this constant field of electric light and shadow surrounding everything with images being projected everywhere. I can’t even look at strangers without my brain reading their thoughts. I got a shock the other day when I saw someone in the supermarket whose entire face was in shadow. My psychosis before I had I thing where I thought these people were possessed, as most people I just can’t see their eyes, but this one was fully in shadow. Weird.
Any way @bluebird I hope you get through this ok. I guess we just have to keep moving on and just do our best. I can fully sympathise with pushing yourself. I have always been like that, but recently my confidence and motivation has taken a major set-back.
It sounds like your symptoms are really acting up. You are doing awesome to get anything done with visual effects going on. I had those too when I worked staring at a computer screen. That was what was happening when I had to resign from my former life’s work. Also thought I was hearing coworkers thoughts and even thought they were trying to poison me when they were trying to offer me a snack. I never verbally attacked them or physically, just was very socially awkward. This was because I would either see a terrible image and start crying or a hilarious image and start laughing. I would try to be quiet and stop doing it but these emotional fits would last from 10 to 30 minutes. We didn’t have cubicles so couldn’t really hide. I tried to work with these advanced psychotic symptoms but could only be about half as productive. Then my brain function that would let me organize files and store and retrieve information started shorting out. It was like something was flipping a switch and I was having brain power outages. One day when this was happening I got up and grabbed a broom to sweep up a mess in the production area and I noticed my brain was letting me walk and sweep, but not organize thinking to file information. So I was still able to write and compose an email to resign a few days later. Did not want to wait to get fired and felt it was wrong to get paid for lower productivity.
However, in your case, your manager may let you have time off for your illness. I hope you can get meds adjusted. Or maybe it doesn’t work in your case. My heart breaks for you if that is the situation.
Yes, I remember a coworker telling me I needed to get my **** together. Because I was having physical symptoms of extreme fatigue and literally dragging myself into work late a couple of times a week. I mean, I should not have been driving which was another reason I quit. But I wasn’t doing any drugs or alcohol at all and didn’t want to tell that person the mind hell I was in because I didn’t want to be admitted to the hospital against my will. I wanted to go back on my own terms to make arrangements for pet to be fed, etc.
So this illness is so tragic, but wanted to find some way to work so now I clean and cook. Once in awhile I will see movements of some shadow flashing by but no real bad visuals. I do have a few people who can help me when my own personal home life is falling behind as I have real troubles with getting things done when alone. I have creative abilities that get neglected and I feel lazy and slothful as the voices say. It takes all my energy to get to work. I have missed only a few days and have run late on exhausted days but get all my time in and all tasks completed. I am just so fortunate that the people I help have forgiven me when my brain acts up and I forget something at the grocery store. Of course I go back even if it on my own time and make things right, but lately this is happening too much, plus not seeing I have left things blank on paperwork. But after reading what is happening with you, I know my case is not as severe and I will talk to my boss about it.
In order to work, I can’t take the med prescribed to help me sleep till weekend or I am too brain fogged to drive and think clearly. So it is a bad cycle. My job is flexible so once in a while I can go in later when I am clearheaded to drive.
So I know how lucky I am right now. Took almost two years to find this kind of work.
Couldn’t sleep much due to louder, more frequent voices, so will tell boss soon.
Thanks again for your thoughtful response and go ahead and ask for more help or accommodations for your disability like maybe you could turn in a written report for the meeting? I don’t know. Its probably a situation where it is part of your job but maybe your boss could partition your work somehow. I sincerely hope so. Take care.
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One more thought. There is no shame in not working if your brain is too disabled.
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Having had either bipolar 2 or cyclothymia for decades (as symptoms of more fundamental complex post-traumatic stress disorder), my mind had driven me right into the turn four wall at Indy several times… with truly disastrous results (including two, wake-up-in-the-ICU suicide attempts).
I was blessed to encounter a southern Asian, female doc who finally got me on the right meds (after nine years of being on the wrong ones), making it possible to dig and dig and dig (through hundreds of books and peer-reviewed, journal-published research papers) until I found a succession of workbooks (mostly from New Harbinger) on anxiety, mania, hypomania, cyclothymia, PTSD and other conditions.
Doing those helped =enormously=, propelled me into the mindfulness-based cognitive psychotherapies like MBSR, MBBT, DBT and ACT, and now have me firmly into southern and east Asian mindfulness meditation practice.
“Cured” I am =not=, but “better” I surely am.
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I have been doing the same with the mindfulness techniques. Especially ACT
Yea! Because the stuff sure opened my eyes. [https://contextualscience.org/][1]
[1]: https://contextualscience.org/ Hayes, Follette, Lejuene, Strohsahl, Forsyth, Eifert and all the rest are =edified= folks, for sure.
Thanks to you as well, it has been really nice to be able to talk to someone about this. I don’t really talk to anyone about these things, as I struggle to express myself in person, so being able to take my time and think about things really helps whilst typing. I was beginning to think this forum may not be helping, but after our conversation that has changed my mind for the better - you seem like a really nice person 
I really hope things stabilise for you and you can carry on. I think working is to a point, distracting enough to stop the inward-looking behaviour that I find manifests itself more when alone. Having something else to think about can be quite a useful tool. I am grateful that my family got me a job where I am, otherwise I’d probably be unemployed.
I will see if he can make adjustments in that area. I do a good job, but I have to be left to my own devices, and being put in social situations just doesn’t work well for me.
I have been thinking about whether I need to stop working, but I have decided I need to fight it. I have been referred back to the psychiatrist by my GP, so I hope they will understand what’s been going on.
Good luck to you and thanks again.
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I’ve been having trouble with work for the past couple years as well.
I own my own company , im usually hanging on by a thread, if it wernt for my employee id be toast. Many times i go check on the jobs then just go home and sleep. Its tough. but I won’t quit. I just might need a simpler job in the long term.
Sorry to hear that. It’s a good thing that you have the drive to carry on. I got offered benefits and housing etc, but I decided to try working. I think it was the right decision, but definitely not the most straight forward. As I said to @bluebird, it has seemed to work as a distraction up until recently.
Being self-employed is great. I had my own landscaping business for a few years, but unfortunately there wasn’t enough working happening at the time as it was just after the crash in 2008. I do think about going back to it now things have settled, but I do kinda like the job security at the moment.
What kind of job do you think would help you?
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right now my business is an exterior cleaning like power washing and roof cleaning.
i think a job with less responsibility to be honest. i get so many calls for work and have to do all these quotes and book work and also do the work, and fix things its just ongoing .
Im still trying to figure out what that would be. Im in a bit of a dilemma, the business i have pays very good so its hard for me to let it go.
i have a bipolar aspect to my illness so i get periods of major activity and i get tons of stuff done, and also start many random projects , excessively spend money etc… then i crash and its the opposite. other times my mood is normal but i have the negative symptoms