When I’m seriously not doing well, my thoughts tend to become extremely cyclical/repetitive and it’s like I lose control of them. Or I’ll say a word and then I feel a need to list words that rhyme with that word and I’ll just go on rhyming and can’t stop. Or I get STUCK on a word-I don’t really know how else to describe it-and I can’t get past it and just keep repeating it over and over. And sometimes they are just absolutely nonsensical and feel like random phrases are being spewed into my head.
I think when I realize my thoughts are getting out of control is when I know things are really serious. I don’t know if that’s a sign of sz or something else.
Ex. Here’s some writings I did during the time in high school when I was having my first major psychotic episode
“In their hands are bars of glittering gold
To their howling maws the naieve are sold
To live requires shrewdness
Do the darling’s dare”
“Vociferous liars those mouth-breathers be
Their lucrative words hold no promise with me
May the archaic laugh
As the sins sweep in
Little dinosaur eyes, moldy green grins
I know not what I write”
“Over which
These glowing grounds
Thy spurious
Embers flicker
And byte
The hand of
He who tends the
Furnace”
All of these were just random phrases that would come into my head. These are examples of longer ones-many were just like a single sentence-and they ended up sounding almost like poems though I was literally just writing down the bizarreness in my head. No meaning at all. In the 2nd one I even added a line at the end expressing my confusion because I didn’t understand these thoughts. All of them were originally written very very messily and my handwriting looked frantic. They were in my school notes, sometimes just interrupting them completely. Or I’d have like one line of actual notes and then these random scribblings and rantings everywhere I could barely make out. And the weird drawings too but that’s a different thing.
Sometimes the phrases would have words in them I didn’t even know (consciously) but when I’d look them up they’d be correctly used in context. Bizarre. Anyways psychosis is weird.
Oh yes I did read her book. I remember reading her rants because it set me off It can be dangerous for me to read things in that style. Also bad for me to go back and look through my old journals in general which is why I don’t do so anymore.
These writings I happened to have on hand because I decided to copy them down in my poetry book even if they weren’t initially created as poems lol. I did however write a good deal of poetry and journals in general to try to cope with or make sense of what I was going through.
It can be dangerous for me to read things in that style. Also bad for me to go back and look through my old journals in general which is why I don’t do so anymore.