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It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally.
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!”
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Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”
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A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”
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A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”
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Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!”
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A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.”
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Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
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Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be.
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How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
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Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
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Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.”
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Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”
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Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.
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Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t.
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A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.” The foodtruck cook gives the food to the monk, who gives the cook twenty dollars. When the monk asks for change, the cooks says, “Change must come from within.”
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A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.”
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A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.
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There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.
e(Y)e D0N’T UNDer$TAND A FUKKIN W0rD (Y)0 !!!
Funny stuff good post. Didn’t get the logician ones though.
The programming one was pretty good.
Actually a lot of them were.
Thanks dude. Gave me something to think about.
Best I can do at short notice…
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick ‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, ‘Son.what happened last night?’
‘Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’
Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’
His son replies, 'Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone bitch, I’m married!!’
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins .38c
Saying the right thing, at the right time…Priceless.
will reply after i understand…lol…any ways niece work…
Hey Jayster You Old ■■■■■■■ ,
Lissen I Neep Your SUPER Intellegent Opinion On Something ,
Ok You Ready ?? ,
Here Goes ,
Out Of Two Songs Which One Is Betta Betta Betta ?? ,
Hey You (by) Pink Floyd
OR
How To Disappear Completely (by) RADIOHEAD ,
Ok ??? ,
Now Do That Because I Commanded You Too ,
Should Be Used To That N E Wayze ,
Cause Lord Knows I am …
BLARGH !!!
That was hilarious.
That’s pretty good too.
Your writing style makes me imagine a
screaming squirrel.
Lissen Here SARAD ,
I FEED THA SQUIRREL"S PISTACHIO"S !!!
They Love Thaz Shizz ,
I Wish You Were aYlias …
I Miss Her .