A man was driving down a road in the middle of the country. He passes a sign reading “Talking dog-Five dollars.”
Curious, he pulls over to the next house. Suddenly a dog walks over to him and says “Hello!!!”
“HOLY ■■■■ YOU CAN TALK!” the man says
The dog responds “Indeed I can! But I also helped Einstein come up with the theory of relativity, worked in the FBI for a few years, came up with the uncertainty principle and helped us out of our last recession!”
The man is astounded and says “I need to buy this dog”
So the man walks up to the front door and knocks. A hillbilly comes out.
“I’d like to buy your dog!” The man says. “But why is it only five dollars?”
The hillbilly responds “Because the dog is a f***ing liar!!!”
A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, “That’s amazing. Where did he come from?”
The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish.
The man thinks and says, “I wish I had a million bucks.” All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks.
“What just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, “I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist ?”
A man walks into a psychiatrists office. The doctor says, “I need a little background on your family to see how you guys relate.”
The man says, “Well my mom is normal, my dad is fairly normal but my brother is deluded and thinks he’s a chicken”.
The doc says in surprise, “Wow, that’s highly unusual. Why didn’t you bring your brother in here with you so we could try to cure him?"
The man says, “Well, I would have but my family needs the eggs.”
Two schizophrenics walk into a bar and each order a beer. They sit down to drink and the bartender thinks, “Hell, they’re schizophrenics, they don’t know anything.” So when they get up to pay, the bartender says, “OK, that will be $45.00 each.” So they pay and start to walk out but the bartenders curiosity gets the better of him and he says, “Wow, we don’t get a lot of schizophrenics coming in here.”
And one of them answers, “Well, for $45.00 a beer I don’t doubt it.”
My first name actually became a punchline while I was in college. Just as nearly all Mikes seem to be Michaels, I think nearly all Clints are Clintons.
One amazingly gorgeous young lady looked at me and said, “There are TWO Clintons here.”
That’s funny. I’m pretty sure I’m not a time traveler. I think other people are more deluded about me than I am at this point. I occasionally have stubbed my toe a bit.