I cannot stop trying to re-live my past, all the way from the beginning. is this part of sz?
how about you?
judy
I’m sorry you are going through this. I constantly get thoughts of times where I was embarrassed or painful memories. I try to combat it with memories that are happy or funny, but that seems to link to a related thought of a memory that is painful. I wish I knew how to stop it. I think I’m going to bring it up with my therapist the next time I see her. Good luck to you, I hope it stops. 
Yes. I have some deep engrained guilt from my Sz and drug antics that I just can’t let go of and I keep reliving it and re-seeing it and feeling guilty about it and can’t forgive myself for it.
Even though the other one involved, (my kid sis side kick) has long forgiven me and long told me she’s over it, I can’t seem to get past it and I feel a punch in the stomach of guilt almost every day.
When I was really into drugs I became delusional that my mom was abusing me. It was backed up by false memories and I really believed it. I’m embarrassed by it and feel really bad about it. My mom is an awesome woman, I don’t know how I ever could have said that. She has forgiven me for it, but I haven’t forgiven myself. I guess that’s the key, to forgive yourself. This illness and the drugs we took to cope with it made us people who were far from ourselves. The only thing to do is start fresh from today.
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Before my recovery with medications, I lived in the past. I was always being reminded of it by my voices and I was drinking to make them stop talking or at least quiet down some. Now I live in the present and plan for the future pretty well. My past is pretty bad, I think all of us on this forum have an unsavory past, schizophrenia doesnt really give people many good memories, usually traumatizes people, at least in my opinion it does.
I have the typical past of a schizophrenic according to the old, now relatively obsolete theories about trauma and a pattern of events in childhood/teens causing schizophrenia. Childhood molestation, near death experience, victim of bullying, social isolation, ect. Now I am pretty healthy, I have a lot of good friends and dont find myself alone on the weekends. I’ve also been exploring my sexuality recently, I think that its important because I didnt even date successfully until I was a senior in high school, I had issues but was an outstanding student and athlete in high school. Im in my sophomore year now, I was fully symptomatic and still attending school (but cutting class) during my freshman year. I have some bad memories so I am motivated to make good new ones, and I already find myself happier with positive things to remember.
I make a point try to do something memorable and positive every week. Whether it’s setting a new powerlifting personal record or going to a club and meeting people and getting wild, I give myself a good memory every week to remember when I start to ruminate or feel down about having schizophrenia. I am recovered but its uncanny to fully recover, its a dream come true but at first I was asking myself “What do I do now?” I was expecting to stay ill forever and had gotten used to an unhealthy, deviant lifestyle before I tried medications.
I have a lot going for me, a full scholarship to college and a great body and good friends who I have known for years, they have seen me fall and get back up. I live with my parents who are supportive as can be, but they also give me lots of independence and dont tell me what to do, they just let me do my own thing and I come back with a high GPA and they’re like “That’s great, do you need some cash to do stuff this weekend?” They even supported my alcohol habit for a while because I was extremely highly functioning as an alcoholic despite schizophrenia. They saw me come home from school and drink to feel normal and make the voices stop and they told me they would give me an allowance and wouldnt stop me from drinking if I promised to take the summer off and try meds, which I did, with great success.
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Yes, I live mainly in the past, going over and over old memories. It’s beyond my control. My mother was like that, and she wasn’t schizophrenic.
I was always like that, but my meds have helped me.
That is very nicely put. Being sober and clean for so long gave the docs enough time to find the right med combo, which has helped me get to where I am today, which has really helped me try and figure myself out. It’s all on be puzzle where every piece effects every piece around it.
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