I am not diagnosed with sz but I do have a diagnosis of OCD and major depression. I’m wondering how do you know if something is just a thought you have in your imagination or if it is something else? I’m scared because I’ve realized in the past couple days that these last two years haven’t been like the past. (Had these MI’s since about age 10 and have always been very good at identifying my symptoms/obsessions). Now that I’m reflecting I’m worried that a lot of common “delusions” with sz I have thought myself. For instance, it seems common to think you can read minds/telepathic communication/etc. and I am worried about that a lot. It was only a couple times that I could clearly hear the voice of someone I knew talking to me with their thoughts but i never ruled out the possibility that I was imagining it. It’s more like a fear that I have that other people can read minds and I can’t or that I accidentally had a conversation telepathically. I’ve never been sure on this though it’s just a fear to me. I also spent about a year believing I was a witch after realizing how differently I view the world from others. I arrived at this conclusion with research and logic. But a couple weeks ago I kind of snapped and thought “do you even believe in witches?? Why did you think you were a witch??” and I’m concerned that if I talk to someone about this they will think it was psychotic of me. I definitely am also scared all the time that people are talking about me or looking at me and judging me. Isn’t that a normal thing to fear? That doesn’t seem delusional to me, so when does that cross the line to delusion? I believe in a lot of conspiracy theories and people think I take it too far but I just see the world differently and notice things other people don’t. I am also psychic so I think that kind of affects me negatively sometimes. I am wise for my age and I believe that is because my soul has lived many physical lives and maybe more than anyone else. I considered for a brief period that I could be possessed by a demon but I don’t think that is it. I don’t hear voices or anything but sometimes I hear songs. It’s like I can hear the whole song playing in my head. Like all the instruments, lyrics, etc. even thought I couldn’t actively imagine the whole thing even if I tried like there’s a record playing in my head. Is that a hallucination or imagination?? Has anyone experienced this? Could these things be prodromal signs or something? I’m scared and confused and lately I do not know who I am what I believe or what my values are which even in the topsy turvy teenage years I didn’t feel to this extent. My memories are fog and I can’t see clearly. And I’m having a hard time explaining things like sometimes I just lose certain words and can’t see a big picture. The best way I can describe it: sometimes I have a very clear thought in my head well thought out and when I go to speak it or write it sometimes, it’s like all the thoughts are there but they are separated and I can’t put them back together and when I try to focus on just one it is blurry and the big picture is blurry and I cant put it into words. (And I’m an English major…) So basically the cognitive symptoms of sz could probably describe me but I am wondering what that feels like from a first person perspective? If it was cognitive symptoms of sz would I be aware that I have a hard time with sentences and coming up with words?
All of these conclusions took a lot of careful consideration and unpacking very cloudy memories to arrive at and only happened when a bad OCD outbreak caused me to realize how different I have felt lately. It was like a gradual accumulation and then a gradual snapping out of it kind of. Is that what a psychotic episode feels like? I am scared.
Anyway thank you so much for reading sorry it’s so long. I have enjoyed going through the forums and seeing a beautiful community of like minded people with no judgment for “abnormal” views of the world or opinions which I feel I’m constantly judged for in the outside world. I cannot explain how good it feels to know that other people have the same concerns as me - that’s not something I get a lot.
Hello, and welcome to the forums! I think you will fit right in here!
You should definitely see a doctor as soon as you can and report everything you have said here. If it’s easier for you, you can even just print out this post and hand it to the doctor. That way, you will know you haven’t forgotten anything. A lot of what you’re describing could fall under the umbrella of OCD, but it could also be the beginnings of a psychotic disorder. A trained doctor would know more than we would.
I have both OCD and schizophrenia, and a lot of what you’ve written reminds me of when the psychotic symptoms first started to develop. I heard music playing at random times. For a long time, I thought my neighbors just had the radio on really loud, but I eventually realized it was coming from inside my own head. I started to develop a few unusual, but harmless beliefs, and I was really into conspiracies. Slowly, the beliefs started to interfere more and more with my ability to live a full and happy life.
If you are developing a psychotic disorder, there is nothing to panic about. There are dozens of psychotic disorders. Most of the time, people have an episode, but once they get treatment, they completely recover. The sooner you get treatment, the higher your odds are for a full recovery. Treatment usually consists of a combination of medication and therapy.
Do you mind if I ask how old you are now, and whether you are currently taking anything for your OCD?
Thank you for making me feel less alone I am 22 and female. I haven’t taken anything or done CBT since I was 18. I really don’t want to take meds…I don’t like putting chemicals in my body. The only time I can bring myself to take a pill is when I get a bad migraine and I get to the point of being more scared of throwing up (my primary obsession) than taking a pill. I go back and forth between if I would take meds again or not. CBT really helped when I was like 17/18 but I also took an antidepressant at that time. I want so badly to see someone again, but I’m scared that they will put too much pressure on me to do things I don’t want to. In the period I described above I also stopped believing that mental illness is a real thing and that it is a construction to keep people mainstreamed and stupid to what’s going on in the world. Now, it really depends on the day if I believe that or not. When I get very depressed like right now it’s an undoubtable truth that mental illness is very real and uncontrollable. I’ve self medicated with marijuana for a couple of years and I fear it is coming back to bite me…
Did you have OCD or sz symptoms first or did they come on at the same time for you? If you experienced OCD first, how did you know something was different?
I have had OCD for as long as I can remember. At least since kindergarten. My schizophrenia didn’t start to develop until 14. I didn’t realize anything was different for a long time. I was also pretty against pills, because the pills I was given to treat my OCD made me worse. But I eventually found out there is a reason for that. The treatment for OCD is antidepressants, and if you give antidepressants to someone with a psychotic disorder, it can make their symptoms even worse. If I had known enough at the time to tell my doctors about my hallucinations, they would have prescribed me the correct medication, and ten years of torture could have been avoided as I tried to deal with this illness on my own.
Marijuana is also known for causing worse psychotic symptoms. In fact, something like 25% of schizophrenics reported their first episode after smoking pot. There is also something called drug-induced psychosis. It comes as a result of exposure to psychoactive chemicals (and yes, THC is a chemical, even though it’s found in a plant) and the effects usually go away after the person has been treated.
Unfortunately, there is not a single thing in the world that can stop psychosis other than the proper medication, and it sometimes takes a few tries to find out which medication is right for you. The good news is that for a lot of people, if it’s their first psychotic episode, once they find the right medication, they only have to take it until they’ve been stable for a year or so. So consider the options. Would you rather struggle with psychosis for the rest of your life, or take a medication for a couple years until your doctor says you’re fine?
If you’re looking for a nonmedical treatment for your OCD, I do neurofeedback. I have been doing it for eleven years, and I swear by it. It is a brain training method that reduces the symptoms to manageable levels.
If these thoughts are negatively affecting your life you should talk to a doctor. I understand not wanting to be branded psychotic, but having intrusive thoughts is not psychosis when you have insight they are not real. As far as the weed I’ll just point out that arsenic is also “natural.”
I’m willing to go to therapy and in fact very much want to because it’s been very helpful in the past!! I’m just scared that’s all. Keep in mind I’ve just been reflecting on this stuff for about 3 days now and I’ve been so cloudy it’s hard for me to think through things well. However, treatment is not currently an option for me since I am uninsured I live 5 hours away from the pdoc I had years back so I will have to find a new one. No way I can afford that right now unfortunately. My dad is supposed to be covering me through his new job but he will not send me the information for our new plan. I ask him every single day but he’s an alcoholic and he will do it when he decides not when I decide.
Neurofeedback sounds interesting I will look into it thank you!!! Also, everybody - I’ve stopped smoking weed (I’m on day 2 without lol) to see if my head will clear up at all…let’s hope I get some clarity back!!
One of my biggest concerns with meds is exactly what you’re saying about being misdiagnosed and therefore worsening things. I’m afraid that I’m having such a hard time understanding myself right now that I will not accurately represent myself and make things worse. That said, if I felt like I needed meds to carry on I would take them (and have been there in the past and done so.)
No insurance poses a problem. A lot of therapists and psychiatrists don’t take insurance I have found. I live in a big city and my insurance is only accepted at two places. Can you apply for Medicaid? Then you have to find someone who will take it.
I…sure wish I could focus long enough to read these loooong paragraphs, but jeez, I wandered off after the 2nd sentence.
Could you help out an old fart here and check the lower bottom right of yer QWERTY board and find them ever helpful keys that look like these:
,
.
and the most important one of all…
the
return
key.
Thanks for considering making this crabby patty happier to join the club…even
if only to be a pain in the butt…sorry.
I feel so social when I participate…eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, better.
Hm I had no idea because the only places I’ve been accepted insurance…can’t imagine affording it without!! Does that mean your medication is not covered either?? Do you mind sharing which city or region you are in? unfortunately I was denied for Medicaid But thanks for the advice
Those beliefs you were mentioning definitely sound more in the delusions range, not regular thoughts for someone with OCD…maybe you have depression with psychotic features (that’s what I have). Who knows. If you’re only getting these thoughts while smoking weed it is probably the weed. Also just so you know if you do have a psychotic disorder, weed can make it a lot worse. Normally I am indifferent towards marijuana and even in some cases see it as therapeutic but I really would not recommend it for anyone who may have any kind of genetic risk towards a psychotic disorder or has a psychotic disorder.
I live in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. It’s a fairly large metro area. Most of the docs around my house only take cash but I have insurance.
I can also get care through the VA. I liked the nurse practitioner I was seeing there, she was great but then they switched me to a psychiatrist and I didn’t like him so I am using my insurance now. I see another nurse practitioner out in town. One of only two offices that will accept my insurance.
All of my meds are covered. I have to pay a small copay for Latuda. I think it’s $40 for three months. My generic meds are free to me through the mail in three month supplies. If I go to a pharmacy they are about $10 a month so I get them through the mail.
I am 22 and female. I haven’t taken anything or done CBT since I was 18. I really don’t want to take meds…I don’t like putting chemicals in my body. The only time I can bring myself to take a pill is when I get a bad migraine and I get to the point of being more scared of throwing up (my primary obsession) than taking a pill. I go back and forth between if I would take meds again or not. CBT really helped when I was like 17/18 but I also took an antidepressant at that time. I want so badly to see someone again, but I’m scared that they will put too much pressure on me to do things I don’t want to. In the period I described above I also stopped believing that mental illness is a real thing and that it is a construction to keep people mainstreamed and stupid to what’s going on in the world. Now, it really depends on the day if I believe that or not. When I get very depressed like right now it’s an undoubtable truth that mental illness is very real and uncontrollable. I’ve self medicated with marijuana for a couple of years and I fear it is coming back to bite me…
I live 5 hours away from the pdoc I had years back so I will have to find a new one. No way I can afford that right now unfortunately. My dad is supposed to be covering me through his new job but he will not send me the information for our new plan. I ask him every single day but he’s an alcoholic and he will do it when he decides not when I decide.