Yeap, twenty years in isolation for me and no such an improvement on meds… You all saw me and I think, that my body is in bad shape now…
I also probably have done some bad stuff for this time… Hurted lots of people… In a way, I know the best, that it wasn’t my fault but maybe my end is near idk… How to forget now that I was so sick for 30 years?.. Or reverse the damages?..
Idk if I am hypochondriac now, but I think of the end tonight… Or should I fight?
I was a loner even here… The most of you don’t even answer me, cause you are probably pissed off by me… Or is this the calm, that I need?
I’m not sure I understand, are you suicidal?
Change is usually hard----but not always.
Some of the things you said are not true. You will have to see this yourself and pull yourself out of this. I am sorry you feel that you did not get many replies here.
I hope this is not the end.
No, I am just scared that my body is ruined from the meds and my isolation… It also felt for a moment in my head, that everything is possible now, even that I die soon (some kick like this from my zyprexa) …
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Oh okay. I feel you. Are you really anxious about your health? That could be hypochondria, which is an awful thing to have.
Will I die now, that I had no life for the last twenty years? No one here didn’t know this… I beat the records here…
Maybe it is yeap… Am scared for my life now after those years of isolation… Plus, I smoke too much cigarettes…plus lately, everyone runs away from me…
I just felt a moment of a turning point in my head, where I had to decide to leave or not… I guess its the illness plus the meds but maybe some truth too yeah… Its smth to have been in despair for twenty years…
Are you going to be okay??
Idk… What a life… And too much cigarettes… Sorry for my post once again… I guess I was in hell yeap 
idk if ill live with those cigarettes… They were two packs per day since ten years…
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Now’a good time to quit 
my parents are 50 and smoke probably just as much and still kicking it. But I’d say time to kick the habit if you wnat to live a long life
If tomorrow I still have symptoms, this will be hard…
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Well, isolated people ruminate and worry too much and think too much. It’s taking action and taking risks that is going to change your lot in life. Get out and take a short walk, go to an empty restaurant for a meal, go sit in the park, go to a quiet, stress free library for a half hour.
Just start off slow and take small steps and make little changes and your life will improve. It’s up to you, the ball is in your court. No one is going to come knocking at your door and make you change your life, you have to go after it and do it yourself. Actually, there are people who want to help you and help you change your life. But you have to do your part and seek these people out.
Change can be scary and you may fail but at least if you take a risk and fail, you will at least know in your heart that you tried. And then you rest up and try again. And again. And again. And again. You’re not going to solve your problems by sitting in your apartment and just thinking about all of them for another 5, 10 or 15 years. You need to make a plan and write down some goals and then do your best to fulfil them.
Hell, my life is full of failures, I fail every day, multiple times a day. But I often win too. I’ve had huge failures and huge mistakes but I keep going because I don’t like the alternative: giving up. I’m not criticizing you I’m just saying that I’ve isolated at different times in my life and I know how bad it is. But I keep going. I hope this all makes sense and you get something out of it. There’s no shame in failing or losing if you know that at least you gave it an honest try.
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OK thank you Nick… You know, since some six months I go out for a few in my neighborhood but that’s all… Plus always on the same way… I was like blocked by fear and negatives for more trying… Idk, maybe my mind is changing still yeah… I can only pray for this… But yeah, my cigarettes are the worst thing in my story… I feel a bit intoxicated… Well, I also wonder if I was feeling bad on the zyprexa, cause being just too ill, with no will or desire to live… I raised it just tonight again, but in its start it has always been a good med till a month on it, where I was starting to suffer in hell from the side effects… That’s how it always has been… Am I stronger this time? Gosh I ignore it… Plus, I guess I was expecting to be saved by the others before lol… I’ll see if I’ll survive this time lol… Am a bit sad right now… 
Maybe I need a klonopin now and a good sleep 
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Well, that proves you can change and have success. Don’t put yourself down. Fear of change is natural, fear of trying new things is natural. In some ways, fear is even good because it puts you on edge and sharpens your senses and gets the blood pumping. Makes you more alert and aware.
Yeah, but this makes me think I was the tough school isn’t it? I understand why the others were running away from me… Crazy, crazy, crazy… I was too ill…
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OK, enough of my complaining… Am sorry if I hurted somebody here… Gosh, this is hard… I had to take myself in hands before, not now…
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Well just take it easy @Anna1. You do what you can. I’m sure in many ways you’re trying your best. Just relax and maybe when you feel a little braver you can do a little bit more. You got time.
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You need to take charge of your life. You must not let your emotions, moods, diseases etc determine what you become. These years you allowed your disease and related emotions, thoughts etc to become like this. This is the reason, need to stop smoking and control your diet and exercise regularly. Remain busy doing something to beat depression and laziness. This way slowly change your old bad habits and replace them with good ones and follow it without fail.
Medications, doctors etc never the solution instead its you and you need to control yiur body just like driver controlling the vehicle.
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