I guess I still blame myself for my bad past behaviour, for my sins… for my demons…
I was such a severe sz, that all my friends were scared about me…
I smoke a lot too 
Yeah, I’ve spent the last 20 years in isolation, inactivity, just with my cigarettes… I hope I wont die now… i even blame myself to want to live now…
Did you thought of dying too, but it wasnt the case? I blame myself to put so much value to my being, yeah…
But yeap, idk if you were scared by the death… I was so inactive for so long, that my friends think I am dying, which doesnt make the things easier, but anyway, yeah…
I am slowly dying psychologically and physically. Gained 160lb, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc I am just 30 y.o.
Dont say this aziz… I hated how one friend told me, that I am dying, while I couldn’t control my illness and the behaviour from it…
Well, I beat you on the 20 years of isolation… am I dying now? This friend told me, that i speak as a dying person, while I’ve always fought for all this time… it’s not nice to think you are dying now, that I want to live happily…
I think that you are quite healthy despite the rest… maybe it’s just an impression that we have…
But it’s not nice to been asked if you have a cancer, only cause you are deeply in this sz… do you smoke aziz?
You are not dying… but me, I blame myself to give myself so much value now… nobody wants me alive maybe 
I have a particular sz, they all were seeing me as dying, which is hard aziz… I blame myself now to want be alive, aziz… does anyone wants that I do it one day?? My mother told me once, that I should kill myself if it’s only pain, that’s what I am seeing here…
You’ll be better, try to work on your sz… you are young, dear 
and me, what should I think with 20 years old isolation and loneliness??
I switched to vaping strong nicotine salts, I vape 24/7 except when sleeping. I stopped trying killing myself bcz it made my parents cry.
Your parents cried yeap… my mother told me to kill myself if it’s only pain… while I fought for this pain to stop and I wanted to live… she also said once, that she’ll take away my civil rights… for what should I live? Cause even my mother gives up so easily? Maybe they never treated me in my family as a human being, who needs normal things…
My dad was beating to death my sister and my mother…
And now, this friend who thinks that I am dying… it’s very hard to live while being seen like this, aziz…
There should be a reason for your negatives too I think I’ll pray for you, you are young, you wont die soon… and me, how to live while everyone thinks that I am dying? Tell me??
Stay away from them?
What are you taking meds wise to gain that much weight? Holy moly. Mirtazapine I quit because of 25lb weight gain.
1 Like
Its not just the meds, its the negative symptoms that make me stay in bed 90% of my time. I don’t burn calories at all and I eat too much, its my only pleasure in life so I enjoy eating until getting stomach pain.
2 Likes
Well darn. I hope you don’t get sick from lack of activities.
1 Like
Thanks for the concern, aziz… yeah, maybe I dont need friends who say, that I seem as I have a cancer cause I behave strangely…
My fear is my cigarettes but I cant stop them now as you know how is our life now…
Me, i gained 30 kilos with the inactivity and the meds, i know…
I hope you’ll start to change a bit by bit I think our meds can help us with the time yeah, really. I didnt believe this before, but i am changing lately…
2 Likes
Can you stop them with aids like nicotine gum/patches? If not try vaping nicotine.
Hi anna1. Sry for messing up your thread.
There is also meds that block the effects of nicotine in the brain.
No chance, nope… I am living a very lonely life and I prefer this to the eating, cause I have problems swallowing food now… but I could try to reduce them if I become more active… the cigarettes are calming too I find…
Aziz, I waited for 10 years that my meds work… they work even on the negatives, keep believing this!
Just baby steps, as the drug addicts in recovery I guess try to challenge your head, your sensations and try to fight your symptoms a bit… if you feel smth bad, go on the opposite side. And move more even at your house. Me too I accepted, that the fight will be from my home now lol…
Roxy, there’s no problem, write to aziz if you want 
1 Like
Oh, really?
I know only that the smokers need bigger doses of aps…
Then switch to vaping nicotine like me? Its healthier.
I took Wellbutrin, it made me stop vaping, there is other meds too that help stopping smoking. Me I don’t want to stop vaping as I would sleep all day without vaping nicotine. It keeps me a bit more alive.
I am not sure I’ll be able… i dont find the vaping the same as the cigarettes…
But do you think, that i am dying now aziz?
We are fun with you with our negatives yeah… you know this, my ex pdoc said that i am a paranoid sz with mostly negative symptoms, but my current doc thinks that I dont move because of the paranoia and the delusions… but I am not sure I can trust him on this… I couldn’t move since long, even when not paranoid, idk what is this yeah…
But believe that there is an exit even from the negatives aziz!!! It’s true! The right thinking could help in this… challenge your thoughts as I said… I started to have new symptoms from trying this, but I am sure we should challenge ourselves. Well, we need pleasure and rest too though 
I rarely saw a negative sz even here too yeap. But dont believe anyone anymore, who says to you that you cant beat negatives. You can! Me, even my pdoc told me, that I’ll always suffer, but ■■■■ this!!!
1 Like
I don’t think thats true as when I am paranoid I move a lot and have much less negative symptoms. I think your ex pdoc is right but not your current pdoc. I dont have paranoia now and dont move at all. Maybe its the case in catatonia but if you had catatonia now you wouldn’t be able to write here, talk or move at all.
Idk… I clearly was feeling that I sit on my couch and even want to hide from fear in the wardrobe because of my fears precisely… I ignore if they are a paranoia still… my conversion disorder was based on my fears too but maybe something else too…
I find, that you can die from paranoia and not be able to move precisely because of it… having a hiding behaviour from it… anyway…
I had my years where I was calmer and I’ve only slept though… One sick friend even told me, that she doesn’t want to be “calm” as me…
I fight this state too still… it’s good that you are on the forum though, it helps me too 
I dont have that so I dont know.