On my bad days I forget all my successes; it seems that they never happened. and that not only am I invisible but that I’m lower than a snakes belly in a wagon rut (sorry, I stole that from Hee-Haw) (surprisingly one of the top rating shows of all times). But yeah, I’m sure at least one of you can relate.
Then I get a little alone time the same day and I think to myself something like, “But hold on there for a minute, buddy. Didn’t you make that soldier crack up when you made one of my stock stupid jokes just two hours ago? Didn’t that old woman smile at you approvingly when you accidentally caught her eye standing in line at 7-11? Didn’t you get to enjoy a nice lunch outside on a warm September day? That was me, right?”. And wasn’t it me who had a great time with my sisters just last week? But I forget this stuff.
I’m sure you know what I mean. But why can’t I think of this while I’m walking with head down feeling beat down and broken down by the people around me who I am not even aware of? The mind (schizophrenic or not) is our biggest tool. My mind survived years of stressful psychosis. My mind survived years of crack addiction and getting drunk every chance I got. Not to mention the excruciating torture I put myself through many, many times by smoking the devils weed (I got squeaky clean in 1990).
I believe in the power of the mind. Dr. Phil says every thought has a physiological reaction in us. i believe this. Years ago I figured out that the logic of, “Well when I think negatively it seems to come true. So what would happen if I thought positively instead?” It seems to be a choice to me. Instead of thinking I’m going to lose, what if I thought instead, :I’m going to win?" I mean doesn’t every action and endeavor start out as a thought in our mind?
And by the way, I learned by experience that theirs a lot of ill will out their in the real world. Sure people can be nice and go out of their way to be kind and thoughtful. But nevertheless there’s a faction of the general population who see someone feeling bad and it makes them feel better by making the person feel worst. But I’m not a saint or innocent. I take anger out on people occasionally But generally if you don’t stare or glare at other drivers or pedestrians than they will take one glance at you driving by and leave you alone.
Hell, it;s not like I see violent attacks on every street corner every day. And I haven’t been in a real fight since 1980! I admit, I got knocked around a little during my addiction. But heck, if I didn’t want to get a bottle broken over my head and beaten withe a club until I was black and blue than I shouldn’t have been buying drugs in a park at 1:00 am in an unfamiliar park. It’s simple logic.
But not only have I not been attacked since I quit drugs 27 years ago but I actually only have seen three fights I can remember in the last twenty years. And all the fights were between teenagers and twenty year olds.That’s the way its supposed to be. I’m older and fighting is ridiculous at my age and should be left to younger people. End of rant about violence. In fact, end of this post. Time for eggs and cold cereal for dinner! Adios mis amigos. Have a good night.