I’m making a joke. People all over the world know I spent 8 months locked up when i was 21, lol. But there’s a weird phenomena in my life. On my good days, sometimes I will think about the times I’ve won. The times where someone might have tried to have power over me and I either, by some miracle, either turn the tables on them or at least hold my own in the transaction.
Or the times, I scare some deserving person or at least make him/her wary of me. The times I am kind or understanding to someone. Being kind or thoughtful or giving someone a break is not a win/lose situation literally over someone. It’s not a power thing at all. Being nice is not a competition. But for us, it makes us more human and in that perspective both parties win.
I think sometimes of victories before schizophrenia. Playing football in the park or at school and making a great play in front of everybody and knowing it. Even stealing something and getting away with it or selling joints at school. Both are victories in some sense.
Being almost the best worker for four years at Sears when I unloaded trucks at age 35, making the teenagers look bad because they were slow. And at Sears, having the cool salespeople giving me compliments on my work. These things buoy up my spirits, it’s nice to win.
BUT…on my bad days, when I think of any of these same things, somehow it seems like I have never won anything in my whole life. On my good days, I am sure I actually won, no matter how anyone looks at it.
But on my bad days, I am just as sure that I didn’t really win. I shoot myself down with thoughts like, “Oh, it wasn’t really a win, it just seemed like it.” How can it be that on one day, I know for sure I won and on my bad days, I am just as sure that I lost at the incidents I listed?
Does anyone have an opinion or an explanation about this? Am I at least making a little sense? I don’t know if this is a schizophrenia problem or a personality problem or whatever but it’s frustrating to say the least. I don’t know which perspective is true, the losing or the winning. I think that this is just my own weird problem and no one else but me experiences this.
I think downplaying our successes is a common cognitive distortion. When you see those little things as victories, or “wins” as you call them, you have a healthier way of thinking about things. I don’t think it’s specific to sz and you are certainly not alone.
It amazes me you’ve survived the life you’ve led @77nick77 !. I think you’ve done really well to end up after all that with a positive attitude and the will to keep trying. Schizophrenia often attacks you at your most base levels of thought and purpose. Often we end up thinking we aren’t good enough or that this or that are problems when really it’s just our minds talking. I do really well with things but often I’m questioning myself.
You should be really proud Nick to get to where you are. I know that is from some seriously hard work but well done to you my friend! Rejoice in those good times. Ride out the bad!
I understand what you mean. I think it’s common on bad days to down play your achievements. Especially with smaller victories.
I know on my bad days I tend to think to myself “anybody could have done that” “thats nothing to be proud of” but the thing is we do deserve to be proud of it.
For me the reason I’m proud of it is because it was a struggle to even do it. maybe others wouldn’t have had any doubt in their abilities to accomplish something seemingly so small. But we worked for it! And we did it!
So just know you should be proud! You worked for it and you deserve to be!
growing old ain’t for sissies…haha…no seriously @77nick77 You’ve lived an amazing life to me…got to do it all…and still kick ass today. something about how you seem so bright and giving on this forum and are such a beacon of light in the darkness when you post. Personally I look forward to every one you make. Makes me feel like sharing too.
