my human self is falling to pieces, i am scarred, tired of living, unwell, my mind is unravelling.
the cbt was going well, but now all the rubbish of my past is drowning me.
i opened a box in my head and now i can’t put it back in.
i am darkness, there is no light.
take care
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I am so sorry to hear what you are going through , darksith. Will you be seeing a pdoc for this depression? Hope there are good meds to stop your symptoms.
Take care.
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It’s fun to joke around on here but I am sorry you have to go through whatever you are going through right now. It sounds really horrible. Get as much help as you can from everywhere. The disease doesn’t respect anyone, most of us could fall apart any time when we least expect it. So medication doesn’t work for you? Or it works but you can’t stand the side-effects? I know you are not on medication this whole time but it’s been a long time since you’ve written why. Is there anything we can do to help?
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@darksith-it makes me sad to hear you are suffering.I spent six years in therapy and have a lot of boxes on shelves.Once in awhile,something will trigger a memory and a lid will pop off.I try hard to keep the lids closed.Analyzing the past is helpful to a point.Keeping the past organized in my mind(under lock and key)is how I’m able to function in a healthy manner.Depression is a tough enemy!I hope you will surround yourself with peace/support.I always try to remember that a rough time will pass.Hang in there!
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There is light. You are a light for a lot of people.
Your past is just that, the past. Hopefully that box of pain can set itself free. Keep swimming you can make it through this.
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@darksith, I do hope you can find a way to let this pass through. It’s hard to hold on and having all this open again, I can imagine is like a fresh wound.
But it will heal over this next time, and hopefully heal for good. You have been through so much.
You do have a lot to look forward to… grab those life rings as they come and let Mrs. Sith know what’s up. She sounds like a very wise and strong lady.
I also hope you are telling your therapist how your feeling so she can either go slower or take a break and let the swirling memories settle, or trying something more gentle.
You brighten many peoples day and inspire many.
I’m rooting for you.
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@darksith if therapy is making you revisit some dark and frightening places in your head, then I would communicate this to your therapist. Therapy can be harmful, this is why psychoanalytic type therapy - or Freudian therapy can be harmful to schizophrenics. With CBT there should not be a lot of psychoanalyzing involved - the exercises should be geared towards how you are feeling now and it better prepares you on how to cope with the future and present - not the past so much.
If this therapist is making you feel worse or is triggering you in any way - maybe it is time for another therapist?
or at least tell the therapist how you are feeling, and see if he adjusts himself -if not like I mentioned before, you can always go see another therapist - I wish you all the best
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You can get better. It’s risky to dig up the past but it can be necessary. I have trauma from things that happened to me when I was a little boy, I scored highly for trauma when I was evaluated. Life goes on. I wake up, take my meds, have coffee, go to school, workout, see friends and family on the weekends, you get over it an new experiences will distract you from the nightmare of your past.
I was molested and nearly drowned. I also had traumatizing experiences other than those, but those were the worst.
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There is light because you wrote to us. We care about you and MrsSith loves you. And you have been here before and you know that the light comes back.
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digging in a schizophrenics past - analyzing and placing blame on other family members or on ourselves can become a very dangerous thing to do with schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is a brain disorder - our ill brains make us behave, think, and feel a certain way. Revisiting our past and analyzing our lives - using the way we were raised to explain our biological based brain illness is a joke. This is why Freudian type therapy to treat schizophrenia, bipolar or another biological based/genetic mental illness can be very harmful to us. CBT usually does not revisit our past/family dynamic and relationships - this sounds like psychoanalysis/Freudian type therapy - not benefiting us, but potentially harming us. My therapist steers far away from this kind of therapy
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Yeah mine does too. He just asked me about my past on the first couple of appointments and wrote it down. However the guy who evaluated me wanted to know the details of my traumatic experiences.
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Hope you are feeling a lot better by now. Vent as best you can and connect. There are counselling phone lines open 24hrs a day and don’t cost much. Write, record a video or audio anything to unload and remember the ER is open also 24hrs 7 days a week if you need it.
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Sorry to hear you are having a bad time, Darksith. I love your posts, you have such lighthearted words which make me smile. Hope you feel better soon!
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Mr Darksith, feel better soon…
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Before I was diagnosed a therapist used the treasure chest technique of unpacking and repackaging memories. I remember still having anxiety after using it for a couple of days. It might help to think of it as defraging your hard drive and cleaning out the hanging on bits. I detach the personal thoughts from my emotional brain and move to my outer fleeting consciousness.
Without medication these past thoughts of trauma serve as the basis for similar false memories. The only thing I could do to help it while unmediated was to change the channel, because I might’ve inherited some ADD. I don’t think I ever learned how to deal with it except to recognize it, label it as a scary experience, and push it away. The idea might be to push these things away from your emotional core to strengthen it. You can shed the past like a snake sheds its skin.
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I remember when I was once in hospital, in a therapy program, the therapist told us to think of someone we are having a difficult relationship with. When we did, we were to pair up and discuss it with a fellow patient. After doing this I fell apart and had a panic attack. I was terrified of the future with this person - and now looking back I had nothing to be scared of. Digging up baggage can be unsettling.
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c’mon sith, don’t quit now. good therapy is hard work and opens doors we would rather leave shut because it’s easier than facing up to our past. let mrs sith carry u through this time if she is able, and comfort u in ur time of need, remember we r all here for u. u r a shining light on this forum and we all care about u deeply. any time u need to talk we will b here. much love. jayne xxx
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You’re not an alien.You are a decent human being who has a lot to shoulder right now. Get well soon, keep plugging away.
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When you are an alien-human hybrid you can have wrestling between light and darkness, a feeling of being out of place, lost, longing for something else.
But that’s for people who don’t know about it. Those who know and search deeply will understand there is a mission on earth, like it or not, and you have the edge over mere humans (no offense intended) as far as perception and a bunch of other things, and you can make a difference in this world.
Jesus himself said “I am not of this world”…and he made a difference… not saying he is an alien, but born of a human mother and the Holy Spirit, a non physical being that permeates the entire universe, I’d say that’s close enough to alien…
As for the darkness, I’ll quote a song i wrote in the 80s - “Darkness was driven away by some kind of shine, Burned in my memory, forever mine…”
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Darksith…you can rest from all of this anytime you want. You are the most gentle person…go gentle on your self.> also hope you are telling your therapist how your feeling so she can either go slower or take a break and let the swirling memories settle, or trying something more gentle.
I SO agree with what J. is saying here. It will all calm down.
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