I was really hopeful that Strattera would help cure or at least work on the depression somewhat so I would feel motivated to work and I could have extra energy to do the things I need to get done. But instead, it just made my ears ring and I felt irritable. It didn’t seem to help the depression, I just had a boost of apathetic energy. I find that itself irritating, too. I wanted it to work. A lot of medications that work on depression make my ears ring. Does anyone know why or what causes this? The tinnitus is getting so bad I can’t focus. It’s stressful because if I’m quiet sometimes I hear nothing but a grinding painful zing in both ears and I can’t shut it off. It has been happening since I was a late teen. I’m also depressed about the government. I can’t go on youtube because youtube selects videos to show me that I don’t want to see when I’m looking for the news. Conspiracies that trip me out and make me paranoid.
I need a job. The only thing that helped was today I talked to someone who said that since I don’t have a criminal record I could work for FEMA, like to do clean up and rescue stuff. I also am thinking I could make a good secretary. I would love a job where you had to do stuff like that. I’m into logic, programming, economics etc. My dad wants me to work at a gas station or some ■■■■. But sometimes i felt in the past he ruined the chances I had of getting somewhere. Like, saying the Harvard interview was a waste of time…or not pursuing all those gifted programs, or even telling me about them. Or just in general I feel like he wants to see me as lower than him or less successful. IDK why I secretly fear this.
I can grasp relativity better than him sometimes, or political issues, or a lot of things. It upsets him when I contradict him and his attitude shifts from condescending to abrasive and demeaning…I hate that I’ll never feel successful. That mood hit me today. I felt like I could have done so much with my life and so much is just slipping out from underneath me. While as a child I was able to be myself, I can’t be anymore. I want to just be myself. I want to stop feeling like I’m being looked down to as a child or handicap when I don’t even have any defects and mostly it’s just anxiety from people looking down at me. I’m constantly getting harassed over people’s insecurities. People will call me names online, then turn around and act as if I’ve been playing the victim and make me out to be a negative person when I’m hurt because of how they treat me. I feel like I’m not allowed to defend myself against cruelty.
I stopped taking the Strattera. I feel a bit worse and better at the same time. It was spinning me out of control and making me cry.
The main issue is I’ve been rapid cycling a bit, going from bouts of apathy to misery and pain then some pleasure than straight back to nothing again, and I want it to stop. During the times I cycle in moods I dwell on stuff like how nothing makes sense in this world. Then other times everythings great and sunny and perfect. I can’t find any kind of normalcy or genuine happiness. I want to be happy, but I don’t know how to achieve it because I don’t know why a job and money is supposed to fulfill this festering bleak cave of nothingness that I’ve been left to die in.