I wish that the struggle would be over someday!

It never ends! Between the bipolar crap and the schizophrenia crap, it seems like I’m always struggling with something! My bipolar symptoms have worsened. My medication is effective enough on the nonrealities I deal with, but I’m still having daily psychosomatic/ hallucinatory bodily effects. I’m getting annoyed with disruptive auditory hallucinations. Tired of hallucinations, tired of anxiety, tired of bipolar crap too.

Another thing is all the cognitive issues. I made some progress with that with supplements, niacin helps. But I feel disinheartened after going over 3 bank statements. I used to be aces with record keeping. It was a disaster. I made about 8 errors in the past three months. I’m declining on those functions year after year. I can’t seem to remain completely stable. My brain is crosswired, I constantly hit the wrong keys while typing and texting. I struggled in a math class this summer, I start 2 more classes in 2 weeks that are going to be a struggle.

Now I’m using caffeine for depression, it helps, but it makes my brain even more crosswired. My cognitive symptoms are worse with the caffeine, but it is helping with the depression. I just keep getting worse every year! I forgot to pay the rent at the first of the month, and I had to pay a $25 late fee. I’ve been afraid for months or years to forget to pay the rent, and it finally happened.

I wish I knew how to stop the degeneration and decline! I’m still holding on to a part time job which I have no energy for. I wish there really were a cure for this thing! Yeah, me and a lot of other people.

Your problems are shared by many sz’s. I do the caffeine thing too. I drank so much coffee that I decided it would be simpler and easier to take caffeine pills. I take two 200 mg pills a day. Maybe before you get into that as deep as I have you should try an anti-depressant.

yeah i also use caffeine a lot im sorry your going through a rough time maybe you could ask for some sick leave? maybe until you feel a little more stable when your suicidle its importzant to see your doctor we dont thin stright mine gives me valium for a week so i can rest and sleep just gets me even. yoga and relaxing things are good hope you feel better soon.

I’m sorry you are struggling but please realize that depression skews your thinking, it does for me anyway. When I’m depressed I become suicidal and think “I’ve always suffered and will continue to suffer, things will never get better so what’s the point?” When I’m not depressed I still suffer from the anxiety and psychosis, but I appreciate what is going right in my life and think of the good times too. When they lowered my Seroquel I was having mood swings and feeling suicidal. I didn’t feel depressed but I felt hopeless. When they raised my Seroquel to a good dose for me I felt genuine joy about life, and everyday I wake up I am grateful to be alive. Trust me the right meds make a difference. There are so many med combos to try and for me as a last resort I did ECT and continue to do maintenance treatments because it has been a miracle in my life and stopped my struggling. Don’t give up it does get better! I’ve been fighting this since I’ve been 13 and am now 30 so trust me I know what it is like to suffer. For me I had to stop drinking coffee because it causes panic attacks. I don’t know why all of a sudden I’m so sensitive to it but now I drink decaf. Good luck to you! Keep posting! :sunny: