Not To Be Cynical, I feel Happy and I'm Worse

For the past few days I started hearing voices. The voices are sophisticated enough to concern me. It’s frustrating that this illness has nothing to do with choices or beliefs. Anyways, I’ve been taking STRATTERA at 25 MGS for a week and I feel amazingly good but I’m also getting a little bit flighty? It’s like I’m falling into a black hole, and there’s no escape this depression. The medication was helping with the depression but I don’t know if its good for someone with schizoaffective. I’m supposed to just stop taking it if I feel manic or suicidal or have any strange thoughts. I think she said something about if I noticed anything unusual, like sleep changes etc. that I should just stop taking it. Now that I think of it, I haven’t been sleeping very well the past 3 days. I’ve been needing lots of coffee to crash. I also am getting suicidal thoughts, like that I don’t want. I had terrible nightmares last night. Not normal nightmares. Like seriously disturbing nightmares. Does this mean I’m disturbed if something like that gives me creepy dreams? One of a dog with red eyes, extremely vivid, then a flying shadow was poking me.

In all seriousness…I feel happier and crazier. I guess crazy people are happier in their sandcastles. Woah…

I’m just not sure if I should be concerned or not. I don’t hear voices typically, I have more of the mood and attention problems, and I’m pretty rational on the anti-psychotic medication. I’ve been taking the combination as prescribed. But I feel really good. It’s jus that I started feeling afraid to sleep because I really do not have these types of nightmares. I have had them before but not as intense. I feel like I’m possessed, its happened on abilify too but usually due to caffeine or staying awake. I think I’m overstressing it, but I don’t know if I should keep taking it or not. On one hand, I feel so much better on the inside. I’m losing weight, I cut my hair and I look a bit prettier. IDK how much weight I lost but I feel thinner. I haven’t been overeating as much either. My depression is almost gone, everything is ok except for the fact I feel dark. Not depressed or apathetic. I also feel bright and happier. I am experiencing different moods. That’s what I wanted. to be able to express diffferent moods. I just can’t handle that I feel so much different than everyone else. I want something to mean something to me. I want to know that I’m not stuck on earth for no reason. The nightmare bothered me a lot and I don’t want to die, ever. I’m starting to fear that when I’m dead I wont come back.

The visions I have, they are mythological. Not like, oh I think I’m Madonna or oh I think I’m Queen Elizabeth reincarnated. I just have dreams of mythological beings who explain things to me. Such as, the nature of things and allegorical ideas etc. I feel trapped out of place, out of time. If I were reincarnated, I think I was living in the early 70’s before I died last. I was born in the late 80’s. Does that mean I could have met my future parents? Is there possibly a human link between this world and the next?

Maybe Earth will allign with Solaris and we’ll become one vast sea green ocean, when earth recycles us and we become the Mayans …again…

If time exists as has been discovered, maybe there’s a such thing as a future civilization co-existing with a previous one… For instance, Egyptians are one of the previous civilizations, but hidden and undiscovered civilizations which are older than the oldest known recent history could come from an indeterminable time period, so old that it came from the future…because organic life recycles itself. It takes a lot of mystery out of things, but adds potential to think that things we’ve discovered from the past could be our own determined destiny…that’s my whole point…I keep stressing about my mistakes because it will determine my future and the future has determined my past. This also worries me because it means that the world is not as perfect or beautiful as it could be. And Yet I still love the world even though it’s kind of a pathetic place.

Talk to your doctor. Your mood may be a little to elevated or high which could be a sign of mania. Suicidal thoughts are not good. I hope it gets better.

Thanks yeah that was my only concern. I think that it will probably go away though I’m still adjusting to the Strattera. I’m on a low dose so it shouldn’t be a problem. I also realized that when I had that nightmare, I had also been drinking coffee and had some chocolates before I went to bed, and made something spicy so that’s probably why.

I am actually a bit better.

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I am glad your feeling better. It’s odd how the smallest stuff can make a huge difference.

I can relate to being happy and being worse… I was really happy in an unrealistic way when I was in a full unmedicated manic swing. I was going to be young forever and I was going to save the ocean and I was going to buy a Llama. I was also really angry at anyone who tried to talk me down from my manic swing. It got so out there with the manic that I hated the feeling of slipping back down to earth. That would make me angry so I would then actively take lots of drugs in hopes of bringing on more manic psychosis. I was worse… I was very much worse. But I just remember being so beyond happy. It took my breath away how happy I was.

Then I got admitted to the hospital again and realized I lost another few months. I had no memory of anything that happened to me those last few months of manic. I have some very interesting scars on me with no memory of how they got there.

I’m not as manic happy now… but I’m lucid and happy about that… :smiley:

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But i don’t want my heart cut out again, it was awful.

I’ve seen the shadows also, and not while dreaming, although during my second psychosis in the beginning they were in my dreams, like monkey bone, it was just like that, wide awake in a dream and they were in there to.

I levitated towards them, they groaned and moaned, like the shadows from the movie “ghost”, like uuuughghghghghhghhh!

Others see them as well, even normal people sometimes, a couple of schizophrenics on youtube talk about them, and then a book i read call “regular and decaf” had one in it during his psychosis.

Not a disease at all me thinks.