Guess I’m not the first to have this one. I caught it for what it really is today: sz. I’ve met real gay men whom I didn’t like very much.
I dunno. It’s such a deeply embedded delusion that it seems real. Hard to ferret it out from reality. It happens mostly when I’m alone. When I go out, I’m not looking for an encounter or appraising or anything. The intrusive thought of it hits me sometimes, but I think if I were truly gay I’d go out and seek it.
Does anybody have any ideas? My therapist doesn’t know any better than I do.
I’ve had periods where I’m insecure about my sexuality, but insecurity isn’t the same as delusion, so I feel for you there.
Are you attracted to certain other men? Maybe you’re not attracted to the gay men you have met.
Would it be possible for you to go to a gay bar and see if you meet people you do like? I would assume those places are more diverse in the men that go there than the stereotypical types that announce themselves.
Perhaps you’re shy then? I look at women when I’m in private but get self-conscious and treat women as men almost when I’m out and about, because I don’t feel worthy.
When I was in my 20’s I very much thought I was gay. I met a man who was gay and we became friends. We would go to Greenwich Village, NYC every weekend to participate in AIDS activism. I slept with a few gay men and enjoyed it.
Things changed when my friend raped me. I left him and had a one-night stand with a female stripper. This is odd, isn’t it?
I’ve been in a relationship with a woman for the past 6 years, but I still watch porn (she’s fine with that). Most of the time I masturbate to women, but sometimes men. I now believe I’m bisexual, but only want to have a relationship with a woman.
I’ve had a few urges towards another man - strictly within my imagination. I’ve never looked at another male in real life and been attracted to him. When I look at another male body, sex is the last thing I think of. I’ve gotten blind drunk and stumbled into a gay guy and let him give me a blow job on the street before. I didn’t like it. Like I said, when I look at another male body sex is the last thing I think of.
My first doubts arose after a breakup with a chick. I was 20yo, and this Pandora’s box flew open. Dunno about now, at 51yo. Gay porn can be pretty brutal, which I dislike.
I have this idea that if the gay stuff were the root of the sz, the alcoholism, and all my problems, then I could rid myself of them and just accept and live with being gay. In other words, I’d rather be anything than sz!
My voices used to berate and attack me saying I was gay and that I was going to kiss the guy next to me blah blah blah and I would feel sick from hearing it.
Then one day my voices changed there mind and said “ah we were just ■■■■■■■ with you we know your not gay.”
Hey @Borath, I know it’s very troublesome thinking about something you aren’t sure of.
You have 2 answers.
First one: I’m not gay, this is only the delusions that makes me think on men that way.
Second: Maybe I’m gay and that’s great, at least I know.
If it’s a delusion, maybe with time that will get easier, if it doesn’t maybe it’s better to tell your doc that the positive symptoms have worsen.
If you want an experience with men to make sure you’re not gay go to a gay bar, there’s a lot of young guys wanting older men
