It’s hard to be alone during the day. I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia, ptsd, bi-polar disorder, major depression and social anxiety disorder. I was against taking medication at first but now I realize I need it or I’m going to hurt myself and others.
I had to get rid of my therapist at a consultation center where I live because he was incompetent. He would finish our once a week sessions early. He would text during our sessions. He would judge me for things I would tell him about my past. He would talk about himself for a full 45min at other times. I wonder how he’s a therapist. I switched with a new woman. I see her tmr.
I stopped working in March. I am unfit to take care of myself. My boyfriend is taking care of me. I applied to SSI because I’m unable to work. He doesn’t get it. He’s been “depressed” before so he thinks I can just snap out of it. He doesn’t know why I think the way I do. He’s my only support system. I’m not close with my family and talking about mental illness is taboo in my culture. We don’t talk about it. We are told to just pray the demon away. I’m not religious but I do pray. That works temporarily. I need meds. I didn’t want to take them because of the shame I feel. That would be me admitting that I have a weakness and that something is wrong with me, a chemical imbalance in my brain.
Mental illness and suicidal attempts run deep in my family which is why I’m surprised we don’t talk about it. I told my mother over 10 years ago when I was 14 that somethin was wrong with me and that I needed to see someone. She told me to stop acting like somethin was wrong with me.
My thoughts wont shut off. Its a rush of negative self-talk. Comin from a background of emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuse has silenced me. I’ve been told what happened to me wasn’t that bad. I’ve been told people have it worse in other places. I’ve been told it’s not that big a deal. So what? Who cares? Especially after my miscarriage last year.
I called the national suicide hotline in june. I needed to call them again this week but I didn’t. Last time I called, the woman rushed me off the phone. She didn’t tell me anything to make me think I would survive that night. So I came on this site I found in Dec 2014 by researching my illness. This site actually saved me that night. The comments telling me what to do. Comments of support.
I do yoga, meditation, pray, & eat fruits. I take my vitamins, drink water and try to eat solid foods. I still feel like killing myself each day and the people who were responsible for hurting me in my past.
I’m afraid to be hospitalized. I’m afraid of the unknown. I don’t know what to expect. I think they’ll be incompetent too and won’t know how to fix me. Or they’ll judge me like my previous therapist and family. Day to day life of being depressed feels like you are in a 3rd world country fighting to survive. It’s hard to breathe most days. I have to consciously remind myself to breathe and calm down with sticky notes of affirmations on the wall. It got worse this year. I’m surprised I was able to write all of this. Most times I can’t even get a thought out. I journal each day. Write out my thoughts when I feel overwhelmed. My journal has been better therapy to me than most professionals I’ve spoken to. My journal keeps my thoughts in order for a little while and helps me think.
Its hard to think straight and its hard to control my thoughts to the point i get so frustrated and break down in tears. I can be anywhere and this will happen. But I mostly stay home in isolation. Im constantly fatigued even when I slept a good 8hrs or didn’t do much of anything. My thoughts drain me.
I’m afraid to be alone. I’m alone most of the day. The thoughts creep in easier with no one here. I’m afraid to go to the ER alone or call 911. I don’t want people to see me like that. I can remember how smart I used to be and then how dumb I got in college. I couldn’t get up to go to class. I failed easy classes in college bc I couldn’t physically get up to go to class. I wanted to go back to school but Im unable to think straight most of the time. I was considered the good one growing up. People would call me the good one. Ive been called weak all my life too. I dont want to confirm or accept that to be true. And I don’t want people to see me like that. Someone who needs to go to the hospital in a van to the psych ward. Someone who is weak and needs help. I want to be strong and get better on my own unfortunately I dont see that happening anytime soon.
Am I the only one who has felt like this?
…hold your head up high and be proud of yourself.