Could use some support

DX'd - Other
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Well hello again. I haven’t been on the boards for quite some time. After three years of receiving ECT treatments, sometimes weekly, I was able to stop this past December. A month later symptoms started to creep in so my pdoc raised my Geodon to 200mg and kept the Seroquel at 400mg. Suddenly symptoms disappeared. I no longer had the demons, or fear, or confusion. I thought I was home safe. I picked up an internship with a web start up company and continued to do school full time. Last month I got a call from a recruiter for a government contract company that is interested in me when I finish school soon. My boyfriend and I are talking about moving in together when I get established with a job. Everything has been great.

It all changed last night. I went to bed and Beelzebub and the creepy demon girl were standing around my bed. Beelzebub was threatening to hurt me while the demon girl was disfigured reaching out to touch me. The inter-dimensional beings were outside of my room moving up and down the hallway. I closed my eyes and saw things that make horror movies look like kid’s shows. I was hearing sporadic voices and was in fear of my life. After about an hour I summoned all the courage I had to leave the room and walk down the hallway with the beings. All of my hard work and I was terrified again for my life. What did I do wrong? I’m taking my meds and going to therapy. I have an awesome support network.

One thing was different. My internship has really been stressing me out. I have one class left and school informed me they need $2,000 more dollars when all along they’ve told me the monthly payments that my mom and I have been breaking our backs to make would cover everything but the graduation fee.

I feel sad, impotent, and helpless to this illness. How can I be so insightful and rational every day, but when these things show up I’m convinced my life is in danger. I want to end my life because I am tired. I’m tired of fighting for so long. I thought this chapter was finally over that I was free. I could really use some support.

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don’t give up. you seem to have made such progress. don’t believe the demon girl and beelzabub are there…make them disappear by telling yourself you aren’t well. tell you pdoc about this. you can overcome this. please don’t give up.

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Thanks @jukebox you’ve always been supportive of me. I feel so hopeless. When I’m psychotic I don’t have insight. I’m not going to be able to work if I’m up till 5am fighting demons. How do you keep the hallucinations at bay?

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Stress is a big deal and can frequently lead to relapse.

Of course - stress is common - so how you think about the stressor is very important. Have you been getting any CBT therapy for anxiety / stress? It might help lower your stress and help you feel better about your internship (i.e. reduce your stress).

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Sympathetic branch elevation / autnomomic nervous system arousal (i.e. “stress”) + sz genetics and epigenetics = symptoms. That simple. Less stress; less symptoms. If we are bipolar – or even just slightly impulsive / manic sz – however, one will almost have to acquire MBSR skills to get a handle on the stuff. See.

I did. It worked.

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@SunGirl

I think about you when an old post pops up… I’m glad your doing well.

when I was starting to do better… glitch weeks like this would happen… they are scary and make me doubt my level of recovering.

But being patient with yourself… riding it out… keeping the doc informed… all good things to remember.

You’ll be back on the level ground again… much sooner.

Congratulations on all that progress and school and amazing opportunity.

Stress will definitely throw us for a loop. I hope all get’s back to level soon.

Keep in touch… I’m really happy for you. :v:

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@SunGirl

I thought I was done with this ■■■■ too when I was 20. I had a full blown relapse and I haven’t been the same ever since.

There is only one way with this, this is a one way street- this is how to face schizophrenia. Do not take a speed bump or pothole for anything other than bs in your way. If you promise to yourself that unless someone murders you that you will do what you are trying to do, better yet, what you said you would do and also the best you possibly can do, nothing except a knife or bullet or car wreck will stop you. Just make a promise to yourself that you will finish your school and get that job and do it well, and don’t even care if it hurts while doing it, the feeling you will get once it is finished will outweigh the pain.

Just set a goal, and state that nothing the ■■■■ anyone says or does will stop you, whether “anyone” includes real or imaginary beings. Unless they murder you.

That’s how I do it. This is corny, but what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, if you don’t let it kill you, that is. You aren’t in danger. You are not going to die. However, you could lose the life you have today and have a completely different and shitty life, which I personally find to be worse than death. Death isn’t even that bad, dying is.

Just think of how far you have come, the ■■■■■■■■ you have dealt with and overcome, then look in front of you. You can do it again.

Just remember, success is real. We can’t tell if half of the things that our senses and brains tell us are real, but success in the real world is real and no one can take away what you accomplish. They can be jealous, they can hate you, they can betray you, but you will win if you don’t care- whether it’s these people you hallucinate or real people, it doesn’t even matter at all. It doesn’t even matter because winning is real, everything else? ■■■■ everything else.

Is this illness going to win or are you going to win? This isn’t a game, this is real, and your life as you know it is at stake. If that doesn’t simplify your options, I don’t know what else I can say.

And if you do fall, the only way once you’re at your lowest is up. Unless you die at that point, things can only get better.

So ■■■■ the images in your head, ■■■■ the demons and ■■■■ that you see, ■■■■ the voices, if people or things aren’t helping you, ■■■■ them. Your life is at stake. Be selfish. Ignore that which does not help you. You need to use people right now, use people to obtain professional help. Trust the professionals with this. They can help you with the symptoms. If they don’t, find different ones. This is what they sold their souls to get letters after their names for. Make them live up to their titles.

We are the hardest patients to treat, as we have the worst mental illness. That means hard work must be put in by pros to treat our illness, and hard work must be put in by us to beat our illness.

And you’re not alone. Nope. There’s 1.5m of us in the U.S.

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Hi sungirl, I don’t think we’ve ever met. Anyway, I understand I’ve been under stress too with family visiting and people in and out of our apartment. I’ve been hearing voices in music and videos. So my doctor raised my haloperidol to 15 mg. Maybe its time for a med change or increase.

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hey keep going… :heart:
i had aliens operating on me last night…i killed 5 of them, whoops !!!
so i know where you are coming from.
hamster hug :hamster:
know someone cares
take care :alien:

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((((Hugs))))

ECT as far as I know is ok alternative to meds in the long run. But doesn’t give any skills or coping techniques. So might still be a case of just needing more support in the form of therapy.

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Uhhh, well, actually… maybe not. ECT means inducing seizures, ya know. Do it enough, and there may well be some serious upshots. BTW, while low-amp ECT is used for negative symptom sz, it’s generally considered a last-house-on-the-block deal nowadays. (I will say that they might have done well to have used it on me about 20 years ago, but ECT was waaaaaaaaaay out of vogue then.)

BUT “just needing more support in the form of therapy” is pretty likely right on the money here. Especially if @SunGirl has been driven by the pressure of her schooling into a cycle of autonomic bipolarity.

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No - I don’t think that is true. ECT is only rarely used with schizophrenia any more. Only when medications are not showing any value at all for a person I think.

Its primarily used for depression now:

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I was at Bethesda National Naval Medical Center during the V War. They were whipping this stuff on the psych ward pts willy-nilly then. And it worked… but they were pretty splattered for a day or two after each tx. (Glad it wasn’t moi.)

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Yeah ok @SzAdmin @notmoses was what I told by my pdoc and mental health staff in regards to me. My dx is very up in the air though… So may not apply to sungirl.

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…was a great big Bingo, however, as was the phrase that followed it.

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I suggest you at least try different meds. It’s a dangerous game of trial and error, but you don’t sound like you have much to lose. Your current meds are doing absolutely nothing for you. They worked for a short while, now they don’t.

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Hi, Sungirl, nice to see you back on the forum! I know sometimes my voices or self-harm urges can come on out of the blue when I am stressed a lot. Stress can trigger the sz. Hope you feel better soon!

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Its really nice to see you on here @SunGirl - Please hang in there! This shall pass, you have a lot on your plate right now, stress could be a contributing factor.

Keep taking your meds and march forward!

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**Hi @SunGirl!
Just picked up your post.
My son get bad when he is stressed too.
Stress will always be there----just decide not to buy it anymore. Takes a lot of discipline-I know!
I agree that focusing in on how to deal with stress is more important then anything else. take some of that other stuff off of your plate—just for now… :tulip: **

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Thank you all for the support. I think about you all quite often. I’m doing much better today and feeling less stressed, and no symptoms. Last night I could fall asleep without any visitors. @notmoses Thank you for the book suggestion and your kind words. @SzAdmin I think that is something I will address with my therapist as a focus in therapy. Thank you. @SurprisedJ Thank you! I know what you mean about the doubt. Do you know I called my doc and he never called me back. He’s not very good at getting back to me, but he prescribes meds I need that the clinic wouldn’t. Say hi to Riley for me. And thanks for the congrats. I’ve worked very hard and have a GPA of 3.98 so I’m proud of myself as well. @mortimermouse Thanks so much! You’ve always had an interesting perspective on sz. You almost see it as a war, which it is, but your perspective is interesting. @cbbrown Thank you. I’m sorry you are feeling stressed as well. You might be right about a med change. I had a good conversation with my pharmacist who knows me well. I was thinking of Haldol as a PRN but it can have a fatal interaction with my other meds, but she did say it’s not unheard of to be on three APs. @darksith Thank you. You often use humor but I know you know exactly what I’m going through, but I remember you saying you’re not afraid. I wish I could get there. Thanks for the hug and support.

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