I apologise in advance for the bad punctuation, and seemingly irrelevant ramblings
so a few months back I finally decided to get help for my “delusions” I emailed in a few pages of written notes that I had written over a few months with intentions to give them to a psychiatrists. That doesn’t really matter. Long story short, I’m a logical person, always have been I’ve been in counselling basically my whole childhood started at 7 now 19, a number of anxiety groups, I know when something is bothering me that I can rationalise it. Most of the time. My “delusions” are not real I know this. Yet I am still petrified by them and it alters my life a great deal, it accompanies my severe social anxiety and I cant leave the house let alone work because of it. I cannot say the details of the delusions out loud so it’s hard to express anything in face to face sessions and it troubles, no, infuriates my psychiatrist because I cannot say anything out loud because these things are always with me, I can write things down as they don’t understand the language if that makes any sense. I have been asked to get a head ct and blood tests but my delusions stop me from doing this as samples of my dna & and scans of my brain are dangerous and life threatening to be handed off imagine what you like I assume it’s a common “delusion” my point is it is extremely difficult to communicate with anyone let alone psychiatrist and on top of that talking about something that can get my family killed? Yeah it’s just not working. I was asked if I hear voices and I said no. In our very first session which was ridiculous but it’s true because I don’t hear voices they are more implanted messages in my brain like say someone emails you a voice recording instead of talking on the phone? It’s still this snakey voice but I’m not physically hearing it it’s in my head. And they don’t know that they just think I’m assuming all of these delusions are over imaginative mind or something I don’t know. She put me on abilify and sent me off with a social worker and the next time I saw her I was all putting on a brave face nothing’s wrong and they believed me and I can’t say anything and I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago and I’m ignoring there phone calls and emails and they just got in contact with my mother and I’m freaaking out because everything they say I already say to myself I have no proof I have never found a camera I have never found a dead body (part of “delusion” is that these things are monitoring my family and killing them and morphing into there form to continue a human life they are shadow creatures we can’t see them" I believe they already have my brother and his girlfriend has always been one but it’s just crazy right like no it’s not real but I still have panic attacks when they are here I can’t interact with them they scare me.) sorry for rambling I have no proof I can’t communicate I don’t know what I believe I always feel like I’m in a dream I never know if I’m dreaming or awake I have a bad fear of germs they suggested hospitalisation on my first meeting but I just said ■■■■ that I was in a psych ward when I was 16 for half of winter for unrelated matters but this isn’t relevant I just don’t know what to do.