OK, you go in to see your psychiatrist. Do you ever wonder that when you see your psychiatrist and you tell him all the weird sh*t that you’re really thinking about and you tell him some bizarre delusions than they have their little dinner parties with each other and afterwards they adjourn to the living room to talk while sipping a martini and then they swap stories about the weird things they’ve heard from us, and they all laugh and joke around while they try to one-up each other about who has the weirdest patient and whose heard the craziest stuff?
I don’t talk about “bizarre delusions” with my psychiatrist anymore. When I’m stable, there is nothing to talk about, and when I’m psychotic, I’ve learned to hide my thoughts from professionals so I’m not committed.
But overall I have fearful thoughts sometimes about my pdoc.
I know she’s great, but I was wondering if she is always honest with me. I bet she’s being too positive about prognosis of mine. Like, ‘white lies’ you know.
And about such stuff as you mentioned… I fear she could talk with someone about certain crazy I said to her during psychosis:
I remember during that time I said things like;
‘Can you hear? They’re talking in the next room about me! It’s mafia which is chasing after me non stop. They have even police involved’
Just it was not so logical or fluent. As there is even a term word salad for it.
I doubt I am that interesting to my psychiatrists. To cardiologists, yes, because I’m a rarity in that department. There’s nothing new or exciting about my busted noodle so I don’t think I’m the subject of after-hours talk.
I feel frustrated telling my pdoc how bad I’m doing but being able all the while to speak. I guess it’s how good you can act and not feel. This sounds wrong but I’ve found it true for my situation.
I once heard in an NA meeting, a crazy person never knows he’s crazy. I’ve got a lot of tricks but my new pdoc is in her seventies and I sense she can discern these things in people like me.
One time this psychology professor at school told us that once you’ve been a clinician for six months the whole world starts to look like a pig stye. I think psycho analysis is very punishing for both parties, but a pdoc gets that several times a day. They say there is a very high rate of suicide among pdocs, and I can see why.
I heard a guy in NA talk about “not being on the beam, and not knowing you’re not on the beam, because you’re not on the beam”. For me there were times when I felt like I was on the beam, and everyone was trying to push me off.
They don’t have time to waste talking about us, its also not professional and they know its our disease causing these. We are not important to them, we are meaningless to them outside their professional career.
Yesterday my pdoc wanted to here what were my delusions and voices 5 years ago when I was sick. I told him the most boring one I could think of and he didn’t ask me to tell him more. I don’t want to get myself into trouble.
