Sorry for two posts in a row, lol, but the other one was running on too long and this is a different subject.
I mentioned in the last post that my therapist (and every one I’ve talked to about my issues) are really confused as to how no one has noticed what I’m going through, and they think it’s weird how I hide it and I just realized it’s really flipping weird too.
I mean I can be having a heated argument with the devil on the bus and then see a friend come in and I IMMEDIATELY shift gears and it’s like my focus is entirely on this friend and I can be totally smiling and casual. Like socialization is a forced off-switch to my crazy or something.
And I’ll go to the shower to cry so no one sees me and when I get back I’m fine, even if I was on the ground, sobbing, because I don’t know.
The weirdest part by far is when the demons are attacking me. When I describe their attacks my therapist got confused as to how my roommate didn’t notice me gong through it. I’m trying to think of why and this is what I’ve come up with
I speak with everything telepathically, so I never really talk out loud to them, unless I’m alone
When they attack me I feel drugged. I can’t really move or struggle because I feel so sleepy and weird.
I know getting up and doing something would keep them off me, but then they’d just come back as soon as I lie down.
It’s like I get sucked into my head when it’s happening. So I feel everything on my body but I’m not in the room, mentally. Mentally I’m in my head with the demons who are hurting me, and then I feel what goes on on the inside on the outside. Does that make sense? So I can be getting brutally raped and be completely quiet and still, but it’s because I’m stuck in my head while it’s happening, so in my head I’m screaming and fighting but my body is limp and dead and drugged. (One of my voices calls them “waking nightmares”)
I keep trying to find new ways to explain it to people but I feel like none work. The best I can compare it to is like living in two worlds at the same time, and I get pulled back and forth between the two, and when I’m in one I’m only vaguely aware of the other until I get sucked back the other way. Agh I wish I had words for this.
Does anyone get this? What’s your compartmentalization like?