I dont mean to repeat myself like an annoying ■■■■■■■, but I think your medication has failed you. I have been where you are, it feels like you just want to sleep and wake up and nothing else matters. It feels like you just live another day after day. I think you need to have a completely honest talk with your psychiatrist. There are lots of medications out there, and theyre a click on your doc’s computer and a drive to the pharmacy away. You need to keep faith in modern medicine, it is a miracle. It takes trial and error to find the right dose and all of that, but it is possible for you to be treated and for these nightmares of days to fade to memories. I am in remission now and I was actually anti-psychiatry for a year into my illness, I just didnt like the idea of pills that effect my brain. Now, after about 6 months of trial and error with meds (some of it got ugly) I am in remission, which means as symptom-free as one could hope for.
It just sounds like my old self talking, resorting to alcohol and nicotine, having trouble taking care of business and feeling like you’re just ■■■■■■ for the meantime. If you’re religious, try to tell yourself that the medication is a miracle- it is! Don’t give up on trying all of the medications out there, they can and most likely WILL save you from living in what is very similar to hell.
I am a psych major and I know that there are some meds you havent tried, most likely Clozapine and Latuda. Latuda is very new, and Clozapine requires weekly blood tests (long story) but is proven to help even treatment-resistant cases. It is a last resort medication, as the white blood cell altering side effect that happens to about 1% of people taking it can be fatal, but it is very effective and it’s efficacy is outstanding among all antipsychotics.
I just see you in distress and I want you to have faith in psychiatry. I understand how frustrating it is to try meds and just get even more problems like side effects, but it will pay off to keep trying med after med. I was at a point where I got on the lowest dose of geodon I could and drank a few beers at night and was like “■■■■ it”. I had episodes and to make a long story short, I went back on Geodon, a higher dose, in fact twice as much, divided the dose into equal parts morning and night, and got on two other meds to counter the side effects, and boom, remission, so long schizophrenia.
I had given up, but I told myself that I was not going to live each day of my life in my own little hell of a world and that i wanted to live in the real world again. Modern medicine came through, but I had to be patient and do exactly as the doctors said, and told them everything I was experiencing.
sorry for a huge wall of text, but you sound like you are in the same place I was, and I made it out with help and faith.